My Life

Happy Birthday- Sweet Sixteen! Un Examen Para Mí

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A Not-So Sweet Sweet Sixteen

Yes, it is my 16th birthday today! Besides being the date of the Battle of Hogwarts (for Potterheads lol), May 2nd is the day I came into this world and the day on which I’ve come to expect a major life change every year, i.e., magically and immediately overcoming my fear of interacting with people. This change has not yet happened, but I’ve still got hope! xD Fairy godmother, please…?  1-800-I AM- DESPERATE

I was actually kind of dreading my birthday this year, because on the date of my sweet sixteen is also the day of my AP Spanish test.

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… happy birthday

yayyyy

So on the morning of my birthday, I’ll be stuck in the cafeteria for three-four hours taking an important, stressful, scary exam in a foreign language. I can’t even speak English to people properly. How the hell am I going to do all of this stuff in Spanish? xD But I have faith that I will at the least pass the test with a 3, which is *a teeny-tiny bit* important considering that this test costed $140. 

Almost everyone has reacted with the utmost pity upon hearing that my birthday is on the day of this exam, but I honestly don’t care much. I don’t really do anything on my birthday anyway; I just eat cake and go out with my family on the weekend. I’ve got to admit that having the AP Spanish test on my birthday brings me a certain kind of (odd) relief. I’m that one girl who’s just there, so practically nobody knows when my birthday is. And when one of my friends tries to tell the whole class that it is, I end up getting embarrassed with all of the attention. I’d really rather not draw so much attention to myself.

That’s also why I don’t have birthday parties. Most of my friends, like me, have parents who don’t allow them to hang out with friends much, and I don’t have very many of them, so it wouldn’t be much of a party. I think having a party would stress me out, though, so just celebrating with family is nice.

My Dream Birthday

  • would be spent on the beach
  • or in the woods
  • with my family
  • I always love to visit bookstores, so…
  • I love dim sum. I’d go eat dim sum
  • NOT SO MANY PHOTOS PLEASE dear parents 😂 I don’t need to pretend to blow out candles for a picture; I just look stupid
  • a vacation on my birthday would be nice
  • I want to go everywhere. First destination is Europe, because I’m classy :p
  • going swimming! preferrably in the ocean
  • visiting a museum
  • visiting a science center!! I love those
  • Getting a dolphin, which I’d name Bob and put in my bathtub (kidding; I’d eat it)

OMG what’s wrong with me xD

I will celebrate on the weekend, with my favorite type of cake- tres leches. (That matches up with my AP test, I just realized). I have an incredible sweet tooth, and that sponge cake soaked in three kinds of milk, all sweetened, is heavenly for me. (though probably very unhealthy, but who cares? it’s so good). Topping it will be those sparkling candles that look low-key dangerous because they emit sparks. I am assuming that they will look something like this-

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Tall sparklers that you stick into cakes, basically:)

So I will have sixteen of those (my parents always try to convince me to just put one or two in, but I want all of them or else it’s cheating 😂) and for sixteen candles, sixteen wishes:

16 Birthday Wishes

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  1. To be more comfortable around other people,
  2. To talk more in class,
  3. To expand my cardboard box of a comfort zone,
  4. To care more about my own health,
  5. To eat healthier (not less, but more thoughtfully) and exercise more,
  6. To care more about school,
  7. To get better grades,
  8. To raise my expectations for myself (lol, I know)
  9. To feel comfortable being myself,
  10. To feel good about myself,
  11. To celebrate me!
  12. To know what makes me fantastic,
  13. To not be disappointed in myself,
  14. To volunteer at nonprofits over the summer,
  15. To do more of what I love,
  16. To have a better relationship with my dad.

Most of my wishes are about my self-confidence and mental health, as you can see. I probably shouldn’t call these wishes, but goals so that I can have more control over them. Wishes don’t get you anywhere, but goals certainly do.

So that will be how I’m spending my birthday:) I know that things don’t change overnight, but I’m determined to make this year my year.

Life, watch out. This crazy girl’s going to come at you with a tennis racket.

Cate 😊

My Life

I Blame my Education

Hi all!:)

As you could probably tell from my last post, I’ve fallen into a bit of a rut yet again in terms of my *gasp, the d-word!* depression. But I will feel better very soon, when all this mess of homework and tests and exams is over with:)

That is also why I’ve been blogging inconsistently- I have so much homework and the aforementioned dreaded exams, especially the AP exams which I have not studied for at all. And that is why I will continue to blog inconsistently as well. The temptation of WordPress is too great, so I most likely will reduce my posts to one a week at the least. I will write whenever I have time.

AHHHH WHERE HAS MY TIME GONE?!

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What I have to do:

  • study for my AP tests (two of them)
  • complete a major twenty-page paper
  • study for additional tests and quizzes
  • do all of my homework on time
  • cry

Doesn’t it seem as if time always flies by when you least want it to, and is as slow as a turtle when you don’t want it to be?

My time is currently a turtle with a jetpack on steroids. And no, I am not very happy about that, but I will manage.

There are a lot of posts that I’d like to write and publish, but those will have to wait for another day to see the sunshine. Those include my travel posts, which I am very much looking forward to writing. The one exception to this is a *special post* coming out on Friday! You might want to check that out;) There is also a post that will be published next Tuesday, for obvious reasons that have yet to be revealed. Besides these two posts this Friday and next Tuesday, I will try to fit in some more, although I probably shouldn’t for my AP tests’ sake.  I will let you know when I’m finished being busy with schoolwork (haha never)

Some quick notes:

  • If you already haven’t, feel free to do the Uniquely Me tag! Please don’t be shy; I would love to see you do it.
  • I won’t be responding as quickly to comments as usual, but I will get to them.
  • Comments: I’ve been seeing this more often so I just wanted to get this out of the way. Please don’t leave links to your blog homepage just to advertise your blog; these comments are not appreciated by me and I’m sure that others don’t appreciate them either! I will either edit your URL out of your comment, or mark your comment as spam.
  • Finally, you are awesome, and I hope that you have a lovely day;)

I will see you on Friday!

Xoxo, c.

please excuse me if I sound disoriented; I assure you I am xD my head is pounding from the lack of sleep

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If you would like some other posts to read

The Uniquely Me Tag!

Simply Unmeasurable

Things of Beauty

Post-itivity! Something a Little Different

My Story of Depression and Social Anxiety, Part One

Depression, My Thoughts, Social Anxiety

When There Are No Words

It is cloudy today.

In the morning, I had a short presentation, which I was quite nervous about. When I was called up, a moment of silence passed between the teacher calling out my number and me getting up; I was distracted by something, and this was a bit embarrassing for me, but as it turns out, that embarrassment was for little use. I did perfectly fine, and in the middle of talking, I was surprised by my flow of words. Granted, the presentation didn’t require much speaking, but I was proud of myself. I am proud of myself:)

It was set up to be a perfect day, but I suppose it wasn’t meant to be.

I was reading a post by Nat from Just a Nervous Girl, and I related to it very much, especially because that’s my mood right now, as it has been for the past couple of hours.

Without my depression and social anxiety, I don’t seem to be very much. I’ll say that in the most straightforward way possible- I know it’s not true, I know it. But that’s how I feel, and how I feel is how I know- or rather, at this moment, it takes precedence.

I’m obviously quite socially awkward, which makes me feel awful.

We came back from this spring break and headed immediately to school, and my poor social skills were again shunted front and center as I was forced to interact throughout my day. I very much wish that it were still spring break; maybe I could finish all of my endless homework and projects and study on time, maybe I could have an adequate amount of sleep, maybe I would have more time to relax and do what I actually want to do.

All this time trying to talk makes my energy sapped, especially when it’s cloudy outside. I starting to believe that the weather affects my mood a lot more than I think. I just don’t know what to say. And what I do say makes me feel stupid, as I force myself to make small talk that becomes noise lost in the chaos of people that actually do know what to say.

I wish I were normal, is what I’d actually say.

But what is normal? It’s been too long for me to actually know, to feel what normal feels like. It’s been years- eight years. Truth be told, there is no normal- there is just a life with mental disorders and a life without.

I’m tired of being always being the third wheel, for some people, the backup friend, the one who’s uninteresting, the one who ends up being quiet by myself because I don’t know what to say.

I wish I could discover myself under the bubble wrap and the tissue paper and the gloomy wraps of depression and fear from social anxiety. Because I feel warped right now, like an optical illusion, not enough to be one nor the other. I don’t know what’s inside, but what’s inside may have an escape route.

I don’t know what to say, but I do know what to write.

And I think that is enough.

C.

Blog

The Uniquely Me Tag!

Uniquely me smallHi all!:)

I love this tag. I’ve had my eye on it for a while, after it was created by the lovely Elm a while ago.

Being depressed, socially anxious, and having low self-esteem means that I’ve often thought of myself as having no personality and being flat-out boring. It’s hard believing in yourself, that you’re someone with something to offer when you have a chemical imbalance in your brain.

Making a list of reasons that I love myself, or reasons that I feel make me unique, has always made me feel better. I was actually planning on publishing a post with something like what this tag does, but when the tag came out, I decided to do this (the tag) instead.

Being as cool as I am;) I was planning on nominating myself 😂 …but I didn’t have to, for the amazing Dreams and Waves as well as lovely Kate from All the Trinkets did! Thank you so much!

The Rules

  1. Thank the person that nominated you for this tag and link back to their blog
  2. Write as many things that are unique to you as possible: these can be things that you do, say, like or have that make you different to other people or let you stand out. It can be what defines you as a person, a little thing about you that is just simply you or something little known that you think makes you up as a person.
  3. Nominate up to 10 bloggers or as many as you like; there isn’t a limit.
  4. You can take this tag as seriously or non-seriously as you like; you can laugh whilst doing it or feel contemplative: this is about you, after all.
  5. After you’ve written this and if you ever feel like there’s nothing to you but what other people have already said and done, look back to your post and remember that it isn’t true. (I love this part!)

What is Unique About Me

What is unique about me?..um… this is a problem

Ok, I got it! 😂

  • I don’t watch TV shows…at all. I don’t have Netflix, or Hulu. I don’t have cable either.
  • I love old, classic books! I love older classics more than modern young adult reads.
  • Whenever I watch YouTube videos, I turn on the captions. I can hear perfectly fine; it’s just that I have to read what people are saying.
  • I can’t stand being cooped up indoors all day- I must. Go. Outside. I guess I’m like the opposite of a vampire- I need my daily sunshine, people!
  • I love taking long hikes in the woods and going to the beach.
  • Speaking of beaches, I love water! Whether it be from the beach or the sea or a swimming pool or a lake, I love it.
  • I am obsessed with stationery. Maybe because it makes me seem organized?
  • I have a fierce love of animals. So much that stepping on a snail causes me mild distress, and I don’t even like seeing fish in pet shops.
  • I can understand, but not speak, read, or write my native language.
  • I find history really interesting. Old things- antiques, old houses, stuff in museums fascinate me– they all have a story!
  • I love GIFs and emojis and smiley faces, as you probably can tell:) they just liven everything up! I also dislike, or at least try to avoid using, sad emojis. I overuse the laughing-crying face.
  • 😂
  • 😂
  • 😂
  • On several occasions when I was playing tennis matches and losing, I smiled through it LOL. I smile and laugh lots:)
  • It is so difficult for me to be concise when I’m writing about something I love. Once I did an assignment that was supposed to be 3-4 pages long; mine was eight.
  • Kindness is my top priority. I try to be kind to everyone, whether they be kind to me or not.
  • I am a depressed optimist;) anybody else?

And I Nominate:

ALL OF YOU READING! Yayyyyyyy!!!!

I am serious; there is no limit on how many people that you can nominate. If you wish to do the tag, here is your chance! I really love this tag and think that there’s a great message behind it. It’s always nice to realize how many good things there are about yourself! So I won’t nominate specific people, since all of you should have the chance to do it if you want to:)

Xoxo, c. 😊


P.S. Please, really, do it! I’m looking forward to reading your posts:) If you really want to put down who nominated you, you could put my name or maybe you could say that this tag was “suggested by” Cate? LOL I don’t know. I don’t think it matters too much though;) have fun!

Oh and comment below if you did do it! I would love to read all of yours. Just remember not to leave a link, or your comment might be sorted out into spam. Try saying something like agirlanddepression at wordpress instead of agirlanddepression.wordpress.com


Note: This is a scheduled post; I’m currently at Disneyland, hanging out with the mutant mice 😂

Blog

11 Interesting Facts About Me; (the Sunshine Blogger Award!)

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Hi all!:)

I’ve been nominated for the Sunshine Blogger Award by the amazing Pocket Treasures! Please check out her blog; it is fantastic:) Her tagline includes “Changing the World With One Act of Kindness at a Time!” which I absolutely love. Her posts include things about being Muslim, girl power, inspiration, parenting, and life as a British expat mom in UAE- all super interesting!

She actually nominated me a looooong time ago, so whoops 😂

As you probably know, I write anonymously, so I find it very fun to tell you facts about me that you wouldn’t know otherwise. This is my excuse to do so.

Please be aware: my answers are by no means concise. My English teacher would cry.


The Rules for the Award:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you, and provide a link to their blog.
  2. Answer the 11 questions sent by the person who nominated you.
  3. Nominate 11 blogs, and write 11 questions that you’d like them to answer.
  4. List the rules, and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo on your post and/or on your blog!

Pocket Treasure’s Questions for Me: 

1. Who inspires you?

My mom inspires me. She’s one exceptional woman- she was born into poverty but fought her way up to become a doctor. She overcame challenges to do so; not only the issue of money but because of political aspects as well (I’m not going to give away too many details:) Once she reached her dream career, she didn’t forget about the people like who she once was- she volunteered to help provide free healthcare for the poor, even travelling to some other countries! My mother, to me, is a beautiful woman, with courage, smarts, and love all in one ❤️

2. What would you like to be remembered as?

I think that I would most like to be remembered as someone kind, or someone who helps make a positive impact on other people’s lives. I aspire to be someone who lifts other people up and helps them, whether it be through my future career, offering random acts of kindness, providing a shoulder for someone who needs it, volunteering, or even through this blog. That is what would make me the most happy, and what I’d love to do.

3. What would you like to do which is totally outside your comfort zone?

Ooh, this is a good question! As someone living with depression and social anxiety, my comfort zone is about the size of a cardboard box. 😂 If I were to wander out of my comfort zone, the first thing that I would do is to just talk in class. (Lame answer?) It’s already pretty difficult for me to socialize and not feel nervous or feel as if people are judging me- I even get that feeling blogging! Actually, I think that starting a blog itself was out of my comfort zone, so I’m happy that it worked out!

4. What things can you not live without?

Does family count as a thing? haha:)

In terms of actual objects, books. Books. Books. I guess I can just lose my phone- a bit difficult, but not enough that I’d need it to “live”.  Actually, the internet is really important, too- I’ll say I can ditch my phone but preferably keep my laptop.

5. What’s your favorite book?

Harry Potter, all the way:) As you may have read in My Story, when I was depressed as a kid, I compulsively read it over and over and over again. This probably sounds really sad, because it is. However, reading it was a form of escapism for me, and helped me feel less depressed. Harry Potter is an intricately written book- the characters and the world that JK Rowling created are so palpable that it seemed to introduce a whole new world to me. Harry Potter was the first book (series) that I truly loved. Out of the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Book 6) is my favorite.

Also, *fun fact* I thought that Harry Potter was set in America for probably the whole half of the first book 😂And I learned practically all the British English terminology I know from that series.

6. What is your favorite quote that you live by?

Too many to choose from! If I had to choose one, I think it would be

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” -Dr. Seuss


7. If you were the president of America, what one thing would you change?

OH what a good question.

I am very passionate about equal rights; for women, the LGBTQ+ community, religious groups, and racial/ethnic groups. If I could only change one thing… Oh my goodness. I do not know.

But if I could only change one thing, I’d probably pass stricter anti-discrimination laws in general.

8. What would you say to your younger self?

I’d tell myself to relax, have fun, and not be scared in trying new things and making friends! I’d also say that no pain lasts forever, and people are always here to help if I need any.

hmm… I should listen to my own advice 😂

9. What’s your favorite comfort food?

One of my mom’s dishes- I would say more but I don’t want any chance of threatening my anonymity. Anything that she makes is great.

Besides that, I love kettle-style popcorn- I have almost an unhealthy obsession with it; I don’t know why. But it is so good!

10. What makes your day instantly better?

Writing posts on my blog or reading other blogs! It just makes me so happy. I love reading about other people’s lives or what they have to say.

11. What thing do you miss doing as a kid?

I’d say that what I miss doing most is watching my favorite little kid shows (most of them now off the air or changed significantly) such as Caillou or Dragon Tales or Reading Rainbow or Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. I also miss playdates- they were fun.


For the part that I’m sure many of you scrolled straight down to read;)

 

Nominations (in alphabetical order):

  1. Clumsy and Silly
  2. My Life Online
  3. Wolfish Delight
  4. All The Jazz
  5. Adventuring Girl
  6. Paper Girl
  7. Dancers Ballet Life
  8. Life of Angela
  9. Beachy Girl Monique
  10. Blogging Sunsets 
  11. Teen Inspirations
  12. YOU who’s reading!!:):)

I tried to nominate people who I think participate in awards, but making an award post is completely up to you.

And YOU, reading this can do it too! I get that you’re only supposed to nominate 11 people, but a) not everyone will do it b) I don’t like excluding people. At all. c) Who cares?! 😂 If you don’t want to say that you got the award itself, you could at least answer my questions for the nominees if you want;) I know that all of you care about your blogs, and there are a lot of fantastic blogs out there that I couldn’t nominate!


My 11 Questions (for all of you;)

  1. When and why did you start blogging?
  2. What is your favorite thing to do when you first get home?
  3. If you could travel anywhere you wanted in the world, where would you go and why?
  4. What is one misconception people commonly have about you?
  5. If you had a time-travelling machine, what would you do with it?
  6. What is your favorite song to listen to when you’re feeling down?
  7. If you were stuck on an island with only one other person, who would you choose and why?
  8. What is your favorite food when you want to indulge?
  9. What would the perfect day be like for you?
  10. What values/quotes/mantras/ideas do you try to live by?
  11. What is something that you wish other people would know about you?

Hope you have fun answering the questions!

xoxo, c.

P.s. one more post for awards coming soon. After that set, I am unsure if I will continue doing awards posts. Do any of you have opinions on awards? I know that many people don’t participate, so I’d love to hear your opinion:)


This is a scheduled post. I am currently traveling to Anaheim for Disneyland; will be back on Saturday. 

The it’s a small word theme song is already stuck in my head XD 

also, is it just me, or do I sound annoying in this post? I am so scared that I sound annoying:( but that’s probably my social anxiety speaking. 

 

My Life, My Thoughts, Social Anxiety

Call Me Cate, Not Cait(lyn Jenner)

*This is a very, very, very long post plus a rant at the end. It is best to read on the computer;)* If you find it too long to read in this format, you can also use this link to: Read on Google Docs

This post has been on my mind for a long, long time; mainly because this has affected me a lot and I want to make my views on this (controversial) topic known.

I’ve never really told this to anyone, and am slightly nervous of telling this, so I guess the best place to start is telling this to the public, with my blog;)

Today at school, there was one of those jokes again. As I walked to my chemistry class with two of my friends in tow, one male and one female, my male friend said something meant to be funny. I forget what the context was, but he turned to the girl and told her, “You’re Rose.” Then, he turned to me and said, “And you, C., can be Jack.”

Continue reading “Call Me Cate, Not Cait(lyn Jenner)”

Blog, My Thoughts

My Blog and Me: The Troubled Couple

Lately, I’ve been a terrible blogger.

I’ve procrastinated on posts and struggled to stay on my schedule of Monday and Thursday, run out of interesting post ideas and motivation, and have kind of simply thrown things at you. Last-minute, half-baked ideas as well as sorry excuses for why my writing is virtual trash, complaints about how I’m running out of time.

You’re welcome.

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(kidding;)

Now that I look back at my blog posts, I think that I’m pretty proud of them. Of most of them, at least. But I don’t think that I have enough of the content that I would like to have.

Even if the posts look alright on the surface, there is one heck of an ugly framework supporting it invisibly. A lot of nights procrastinating and freaking out and typing frantically while math homework lies by ignored, a lot of internal anguish, stress and pressure with the upcoming deadline, even if it’s self-imposed.

Not to mention the fear of not being good enough or being judged that comes along with the darling social anxiety. The blue PUBLISH button is something to be fought and conquered before being pressed, after the internal debate and whispers in my mind that tell me what I’m writing isn’t good enough, people won’t like it, I’m complaining too much, I sound too happy, I sound too depressed.

I’m ashamed to say that, more than once, I’ve thought things too depressing to be published. Talks of depression would repulse visitors and drive away views.

My blog, obviously, is supposed to deal a lot with depression. I’m freaking “A Girl and Depression”. A girl with depression too afraid to speak of her depression? A girl who hides behind her smile, sometimes genuine and sometimes not, in both the real life and behind someone’s LED screen?

Originally, my blog was created to deal solely with my mental health. But I never wanted to be restricted to one topic, to always just talk about my depression and social anxiety.

Then I discovered some amazing personal blogs, and I think that’s something that I want to do. It’ll take some time, but I’ll see if I can transition into more personal blogging- telling you more about me, what I’m up to, my thoughts on things. That’s when my goal for this blog was changed, and I introduced my happy side.

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But nowadays, my happy side comes in flashes, and I want to talk about my bad days as well. The real dirty, dark and gritty depression and social anxiety, the type that makes “neurotically neutral” squirm, what some people try to avoid reading. And I’m ashamed that I want to shield that side. That I want to bury part of the truth that so many others need to hear.

And for that I am sorry.

Maybe I’m too hard on myself (I probably am). For one thing, I really like the majority of my posts! My blog probably doesn’t seem like a mound of dung, because it isn’t (which is disputable:p) but this is how I feel from the other end of the screen. Looking back at my posts, none of them are as bad as I felt they were. But it was simply the process that completely stressed me out, and quite frankly made blogging a terrifying chore.

Promises for myself:

  • I won’t procrastinate, for I’ll post when I want, which is normally more often than just twice a week.
  • I won’t keep anything deemed too gloomy or too dark from my blog if I want to talk about it.
  • I will write more about me, and what’s up in my life.
  • I don’t like the inflexibility of a fixed schedule, so I declare its sudden demise at this instant.
  • I will write whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want.
  • I’m going to make blogging fun for me again!

To be completely honest, I’m getting an extreme amount of self-doubt about this whole post right now; I am resisting the temptation to dive back in and edit this whole post ferociously, and perhaps to even delete it. So if you see this post, I probably just clicked that blue button with my eyes closed, desperately quickly before closing my laptop.

Well, that’s it for today. I have to admit that I have a chemistry test tomorrow that I’m not prepared for at all, and it is 11:00 PM, so I really must go.

I hope that you have a fantastic day, all of you! Smile lots and have fun:)

Xx, C ❤️

P.S. quick shout-out to the amazing Adventuring Girl for teaching me how to insert GIFs! Finally…I’ve been trying for so long and it’s never worked 😂thank you, Faith:)