Depression, My Thoughts, Social Anxiety

When There Are No Words

It is cloudy today.

In the morning, I had a short presentation, which I was quite nervous about. When I was called up, a moment of silence passed between the teacher calling out my number and me getting up; I was distracted by something, and this was a bit embarrassing for me, but as it turns out, that embarrassment was for little use. I did perfectly fine, and in the middle of talking, I was surprised by my flow of words. Granted, the presentation didn’t require much speaking, but I was proud of myself. I am proud of myself:)

It was set up to be a perfect day, but I suppose it wasn’t meant to be.

I was reading a post by Nat from Just a Nervous Girl, and I related to it very much, especially because that’s my mood right now, as it has been for the past couple of hours.

Without my depression and social anxiety, I don’t seem to be very much. I’ll say that in the most straightforward way possible- I know it’s not true, I know it. But that’s how I feel, and how I feel is how I know- or rather, at this moment, it takes precedence.

I’m obviously quite socially awkward, which makes me feel awful.

We came back from this spring break and headed immediately to school, and my poor social skills were again shunted front and center as I was forced to interact throughout my day. I very much wish that it were still spring break; maybe I could finish all of my endless homework and projects and study on time, maybe I could have an adequate amount of sleep, maybe I would have more time to relax and do what I actually want to do.

All this time trying to talk makes my energy sapped, especially when it’s cloudy outside. I starting to believe that the weather affects my mood a lot more than I think. I just don’t know what to say. And what I do say makes me feel stupid, as I force myself to make small talk that becomes noise lost in the chaos of people that actually do know what to say.

I wish I were normal, is what I’d actually say.

But what is normal? It’s been too long for me to actually know, to feel what normal feels like. It’s been years- eight years. Truth be told, there is no normal- there is just a life with mental disorders and a life without.

I’m tired of being always being the third wheel, for some people, the backup friend, the one who’s uninteresting, the one who ends up being quiet by myself because I don’t know what to say.

I wish I could discover myself under the bubble wrap and the tissue paper and the gloomy wraps of depression and fear from social anxiety. Because I feel warped right now, like an optical illusion, not enough to be one nor the other. I don’t know what’s inside, but what’s inside may have an escape route.

I don’t know what to say, but I do know what to write.

And I think that is enough.

C.

My Life, My Thoughts, Social Anxiety

Call Me Cate, Not Cait(lyn Jenner)

*This is a very, very, very long post plus a rant at the end. It is best to read on the computer;)* If you find it too long to read in this format, you can also use this link to: Read on Google Docs

This post has been on my mind for a long, long time; mainly because this has affected me a lot and I want to make my views on this (controversial) topic known.

I’ve never really told this to anyone, and am slightly nervous of telling this, so I guess the best place to start is telling this to the public, with my blog;)

Today at school, there was one of those jokes again. As I walked to my chemistry class with two of my friends in tow, one male and one female, my male friend said something meant to be funny. I forget what the context was, but he turned to the girl and told her, “You’re Rose.” Then, he turned to me and said, “And you, C., can be Jack.”

Continue reading “Call Me Cate, Not Cait(lyn Jenner)”

Depression, Social Anxiety

To Tell You the Truth; Post-itivity

Today, I simply did not have the time nor the energy nor the will to create a Monday Motivation post. So I didn’t;) 

I’m just exhausted. From homework, from stress, from anxiety, from depression. 

I think I need a bit of a break. I’m not sure if posting on a schedule is helping me at all, so I may or may not post on Thursday. 

If you would like to see my past Post-itivity, here are the links:

Post-itivity created by A Girl and Depression

Post-itivity! Something a Little Different

Post-itivity! Sailing on the Sea of Life

POST-ITITIVY: Life- You’ll Die Anyway

POST-ITIVITY: Failure

Post-itivity #1: THE JOURNEY

I think that trying to spread motivation while you’re low is exhausting, and I won’t do that to myself for views or likes or anything. 

I also do not want to be a hypocrite or falsely positive when I am not; I am depressed so I AM DEPRESSED. 😂 

Well, I don’t know what the point of this was, but it made me feel better. 

But I do suppose that not everything needs to have a point; something that seems pointless could be meaningful in the best way.

If that was words of wisdom or a strange rambling sentence, I do not know 😂  

Anyways, I literally have 50 pages of notes to take on AP (college level) European history. World War I was absolutely pointless, yet we have to learn about it anyway. 

Good bye, until I see you again; 

XO c ❤

My Thoughts, Social Anxiety

Thoughts on a Train

While I was on the train with my classmates, staring out of the window and trying to avoid conversation as much as possible, four well-dressed students came in.

Immaculately dressed in heels or loafers, and all lugging suitcases, they settled in the rows of seats across from me, and I listened to their noisy, rapid-fire chatter.

There was one test question…complained the girl in the tallest heels, with a knowledgeable air- where he asked where the water in the bay comes from…but it depends on where he’s asking about…right? it could be salt water or fresh water or a mixture of both if…

To me, there’s something marvelous in a person’s ability to speak as cleverly and rapidly as they did. An ability that I sorely lack, of course;) but one that I wish for all the same.

I realized how much I wished to be like them.

I wanted to be able to talk thoughtfully yet quickly, be light and entertaining and fun and graceful.

I wanted to be able to have friends like them, friends that I could talk to and hang out with and travel with and have intelligent conversations with.

But mostly, I wanted their self-confidence. It was radiated through their chatter and their postures. They were self-assured and incredibly confident. I wanted their sense of independence, their ability to wander and stay in a hotel by themselves without parents.

I wonder if they realize how lucky they are to be gifted with a type of speech like that. I wonder if they are able to comprehend how much of a struggle it is for some people to believe in themselves, or talk even to friends.

I wish that self-confidence were contagious.

 

Social Anxiety

So I Tried Too Hard

Since I have social anxiety, I thought that it would be a *fantastic* idea to join the Model UN club at my school. MUN is a program in which simulations of actual United Nations conferences are conducted, and the whole point of it is to talk, giving speeches and cooperating with other “countries”, or students. So my helpful brain told me that it would help with my social anxiety and speaking skills.

As you probably can tell by now, it did not exactly work out.

During the whole conference, (which lasted three days and fifteen hours) I was absolutely miserable. I didn’t talk the whole time- I just nodded, smiled, and offered various affirmations for whatever my partner said. Throughout those horrible hours, a nauseous feeling in my stomach persisted in giving me extreme dread.  I was terrified that someone would talk to me, but I didn’t want anyone to ignore me and just talk to my partner, as they so often did. I stayed in my cushioned chair and scrolled through my phone, or admired the way other students talked so fluidly and with so much self-confidence. Boredom and a fierce headache from a lack of sleep (we arrived home at 11:00 PM) didn’t help.

Maybe the conference wouldn’t have been as boring to me if I’d talked but again, I have social anxiety. I was just about as ready to give a speech as a fish was ready to turn into lightbulb and fly.

Even an average person would be nervous in front of TWO HUNDRED immaculately dressed, intensely competitive, serious students.

But I didn’t talk when I could’ve, either- there were many times I could’ve tried to talk, when we weren’t giving actual speeches, but I couldn’t bring myself to get past the lump in my throat or the rock in my stomach.

Afterwards, guilt settled in, thanks to my perceived failures at the conference. It was, to sum it up, completely awful. My attempt to make myself “better” backfired, because my faults became all too clear to me.

Right now, I’m OK, though. “Happy” once again:) No, really actually genuinely happy, not just smiling. It’s funny (not so funny) how bouts of depression can just strike and disappear, like lightning, but am I glad that it vanished quickly.

And while feeling better about myself, I’ve come to an agreement with myself. No matter how boring, how awful I found this conference, I’m going to try again next year. I know that I overreached this year and expected too much for my first conference, so I’m going to give MUN a chance to work its miracles on me again. I’m sure that MUN, or activities like it, will help me learn how to talk.

My lesson learned: I’ll try hard, but not too hard- and don’t I won’t be too hard on myself when I fall. You can’t conquer a mountain in one day, and if you leap too high, don’t be surprised when you fall down hard.

xoxo, c.,❤

 

Social Anxiety

Social Anxiety vs Shyness: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Hi all!

I realize that social anxiety can be mistaken for or thought of as extreme shyness or introversion, which is completely wrong- it’s actually even possible for someone with social anxiety to be not shy or extroverted. I thought that I’d cover some of the main differences between the two, since they’re so often confused.

  1. Socially anxious people aren’t happy being quiet- Many introverts or shy people like being quiet; they choose to be quiet and are happy to be quiet. We aren’t. I want to talk, so badly, but it feels as if I CAN’T talk.
  2. Physical sensations- We experience physical sensations as a result of anxiety, which include a racing heartbeat (that I can hear in my ears and makes me feel like a reverberating drum), difficulty breathing, nausea, lightheadedness, and panic attacks. Just horrible in general.
  3. Self-Esteem- What is that? Think I can buy some? 😂 People with social anxiety often lack self-esteem. Shy people for the most part have intact self-esteem, as do introverts.
  4. Thoughts- When I talk to someone, I’m always thinking if I sound or look stupid or if they don’t like me or think I’m weird or blah blah blah. Shy people, on the other hand, are just scared of getting out there, and don’t have all these irrational thoughts. The socially anxious care a lot about how other people perceive them, shy people don’t as much. Or at least, they don’t have this constant flow of negative thoughts in their heads.
  5. Emotions – Chances are that the socially anxious have a hell of a lot more awful emotions than do shy people. Actually, that’s a fact. There is mental ANGUISH in being socially anxious. A shy person doesn’t come close to feeling this way; they’re perfectly “normal”.  There is a lot of fear and worry and stress in being socially anxious.
  6. Shy people often have a lot to say– Ever try talking to that one shy person and discovering that they have an amazing personality with their own unique views? I’ve found that a lot of shy people are so interesting and easy to have conversations with. I, on the other hand, find it hard to think of even small talk. Of course, I’m terrified that the other person will think my talking about the weather as shallow.

Well, that’s it. Social anxiety IS NOT being shy. Socially anxious people can actually be not shy- many actually want to talk to other people, but are held back by social anxiety. Another major thing with social anxiety is that people with it know that their thoughts are incredibly irrational and unproportional, but simply can’t help it. It’s very difficult having social anxiety, because everyday human life is structured around human interaction- speaking is something critical.

I hope that made things clearer:) this post is something that I’ve been meaning to write for a while. Social anxiety doesn’t get talked about as often as its cousin, depression. We need to talk about it! Talking about it will help eliminate the stigma around it and around so many other mental health issues as well.

I hope you have a fantastic day, all of you:) and if you have social anxiety like me, much love. Let’s all keep trying together!

❤, c.


p.s. I always just almost write my real name, then I have to stop myself😂


Image result for social anxiety and shyness

Image Credit: Beyond Anxiety and Depression

I can relate. 

Depression, Social Anxiety

My Social Anxiety–My Story Pt.2

It’s storytime!

In part one of my cleverly named “My Story” (thank you; I know), I talked about my dysthymia. Now it’s social anxiety’s turn. And with it comes the story of my middle school crush.

Now I’ll start by saying that I’d always been, to a certain extent, shy. This shyness was moderate in the 6th grade, but reappeared in 7th grade with the prospect of a new school and 900 new and therefore scary people haunting its hallways.

My parents had signed me up for intramurals, which were classes for my favorite sport, at my new school. The majority of the kids there were immature, obnoxious guys. On the first day of class, there was this one guy who was in the same grade as me. We had a 10-minute conversation, with me acting all cool, girly , and uncharacteristically confident, all the while cackling hysterically. I cringe.

I suddenly started to see this kid everywhere at school. And whenever I did, he’d be staring at me with this wide-eyed look in his face, like a deer caught in headlights. Or he’d whip his head around to pretend he’d never even glanced at me in the first place. He tried to talk to me more, but it was pretty awkward, because he’d try to show off by “acting cool”. His idea of acting cool, by the way, was yelling at my back “I hate you” in front of all of his friends because I got a good score on a math test … but I digress. He and all of his friends–a whole pack of 15 of them– started staring at me whenever I walked past. It was a little more than awkward, as they all whispered amongst themselves very conspicuously. This is all with me within 10 feet of them.

After probably a week of that kid standing up in the middle of his group of friends with all of them staring straight at me, I “fell in love”.

I was aware that he thought I was pretty wearing a ponytail and cute clothes, so I kept wearing a ponytail and cute clothes/ Every day. I was aware of all of the boys staring at me, and began to act as if they always were.

So this is where the story becomes depressing.

Sometime during the 7th grade, I learned that I was ugly. I really truly thought that I was incurably ugly. I thought I looked hideous with my hair down, with my chubby cheeks’ proportions showing and my gigantic nose a prominent growth in the center of my face. I became obsessed with mirrors, turning my head in different directions, trying on different facial expressions, testing different hair up/hair down hairstyles. I used to do this for half an hour every day before and after I took showers.

While testing out facial expressions in the mirror, I found that I looked prettiest smiling. So I smiled all the time, no matter whether I was happy or not. And did that hysterical cackling thing at the most inappropriate moments. But I thought I was pretty, so that was all that counted.

Eventually the novelty of the crush wore off, but I was left with the impression that people were staring and talking about me all the time. Whenever someone near me laughed, I felt on edge. When I was the only one not talking to anyone, I felt that everyone was staring and talking about me.

I stopped listening to people when they talked and just smiled, nodded, and laughed to pretend. I couldn’t hear them because all I could think about was whether they liked me or not, or thought I was a “retard” like some other kids called me because of my quietness. I was completely silent during all of my classes, only willing to talk to a few of my friends out of a fear of rejection.

It even ruined libraries, my last sanctuaries, for me. I was so scared that people were watching me and were judging me on what the books that I borrowed that I hid in a corner between bookshelves and the walls whenever choosing a book. So I ended up reading a lot of books by authors of last name R-Z.

I started living simply for other people–to make them like me, to make them think that I was a nice person. All the while wearing a fake personality and pushing people away in an effort to protect myself from rejection. Of course, that couldn’t get me any real friends.

Now, I think I’m better, although I could actually pass for mute in some of my classes. I still have bad days or even weeks, but I don’t let that linger in my mind as often as it used to. I try hard, but not to the point where I drag myself down. And in spite of it all, I like to say that depression’s made me an optimist. Depressed optimist, haha- now that’s an oxymoron. But I truly believe that being so hopelessly sad and empty has made me more active in my search for happiness, more selective in the people I hang out with, and more empathetic to other people. I’ve discovered how truly important happiness is, and can appreciate it a lot more than the average person. I still want to make people happy, though not by bringing myself down but by lifting others up. I think about how nobody, except you, knows about how I feel when I try to be kind to others. Who knows what problems other people are going through?

That’s why I decided to start a blog. I was absolutely terrified at the idea, because my inner voice told me that I’d fail and that it would make me feel even worse. But I decided to anyway, because even if I can’t make myself happier, it would be amazing if I make someone else a little more thoughtful or happy. (Ok, this post isn’t exactly happy, but well…) Successful or not, I love the idea that this blog allows me to share my thoughts and have my voice be heard. Your likes on my last post were so encouraging because I’d had an awful day. I never thought that people would even look at my posts at all, much less like something that I wrote. Thank you so much for reading. It means a lot to me.

So fellow mentals…mentos! come on, let’s keep fighting. We’re in this together. ♥♥

XOXO, c.

p.s. I am really, really hoping that the mentals thing doesn’t seem insulting, because I am stressing over it. lol

p.p.s. You know when you type lol and you’re never actually laughing?aHAha