My Thoughts

Why Do We Do This Again?

Hello. It’s been a long while, hasn’t it been? I believe that the last time I wrote was a day or two before my birthday, which coincidentally was on the same day as my AP Spanish test. (Spoiler: It was absolutely awful, but I say that in a humorous way).

I feel quite foreign on WordPress now, and it will likely take a while for me to get used to discussing my personal life on the internet again. A lot of interesting things have happened, if you care to hear about them… I didn’t do as well as expected on my AP Spanish test, although I hope to at least pass with a three. The test took well over the estimated 2-3 hours, instead using up 5 hours of our time, during which we became hungry and dehydrated and very, very tired. The AP European History test was a breeze compared to the time it took to think in a foreign language. The Industrial Revolution, anyone?

I have learned how to use simple BBCode, which has resulted from my usage of Hogwarts Extreme (looong story), another thing that has happened. It is strange how different one can feel in a month, or perhaps that’s just because telling someone these things feels strange when you know that you are releasing your words into a global haze of uncertainty, alas, the great World Wide Web.

I find that I’m emphasizing that point a lot. Too much, would you say? I mean, all of us do it, and I would not want to insult any of you.

Anyways, it is now summer, and I have discovered a boredom that exists solely when school is not encroaching upon your daily schedule. Not that I miss school that much, but the days are certainly duller, and I hope to fill them up by attempting to write something amateur-esque. I have already found myself brainstorming new writing ideas, and I have found quite a few of them. I suppose that I have been suppressing my inner voice too long by not writing- my voice would have no other way out.

I promised long ago to release a series of travel posts; I am unsure if I will do that. In any case, I will likely go traveling again, hopefully to the ever-lovely Florida. But I do have ideas for slightly (and hopefully) interesting topics.

Do I sound too distant and sarcastic? Ah, here it comes, and I remember it well, the thing that creeps behind that flashing cursor on the screen- a barrage of self-criticism and self-doubt, a matter of who will enjoy your post or, more importantly, understand you and hear you through your post, what I assume to be widespread fears among bloggers and “real” writers alike.

Oh well. I don’t care very much at the moment.

But as blogging has, at times, made me feel more stressed, I’ve been wondering why I do this. Why do we all do it? We have different reasons for it. You could say it’s because you love to cook, so you want to share your recipes with the world. You’d like to relate to other people, to help other people with the same mental disorders as you. You want to make the world a bit brighter.

I think deeper down, however- it’s less of an “I’m doing this for everyone else” noble-type thing, but rather it’s something more self-serving.

We’re writing about our own lives, our own experiences, for our own benefit. We like to talk about ourselves, and our thoughts, and our opinions, because we like to do so, and in a real conversation, you can’t convey as much.

I don’t mean to say that you can’t have good reasons for blogging- there are many bloggers out there who have other people in mind. And I don’t mean to say that we’re all narcissistic, self-serving individuals.

All of us just want to share our voices with the world. We all want to be heard. Maybe we feel as if we aren’t being heard, as if our voices are lost in an abyss. Maybe we just want more people to hear us screaming our hearts out.We want to show our true selves, our true emotions- we want to be able to relate to people on a basic human-to-human level. There’s a subconscious that emerges out of a train of words on a white page, that no one could comprehend otherwise.

We want to share with other people our experiences, our opinions, our thoughts, because each of us believes and knows that what we have to say matters. We want to get a piece of ourselves out there, on the World Wide Web. We want to show others what’s underneath the surface, or we want to get approval for what we have to say. But at the core of it all,

We just want to be heard.

Can you hear me?

 

 

 

 

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My Life

Happy Birthday- Sweet Sixteen! Un Examen Para Mí

Image result for sweet sixteen cake

A Not-So Sweet Sweet Sixteen

Yes, it is my 16th birthday today! Besides being the date of the Battle of Hogwarts (for Potterheads lol), May 2nd is the day I came into this world and the day on which I’ve come to expect a major life change every year, i.e., magically and immediately overcoming my fear of interacting with people. This change has not yet happened, but I’ve still got hope! xD Fairy godmother, please…?  1-800-I AM- DESPERATE

I was actually kind of dreading my birthday this year, because on the date of my sweet sixteen is also the day of my AP Spanish test.

Image result for birthday party fail gif
… happy birthday

yayyyy

So on the morning of my birthday, I’ll be stuck in the cafeteria for three-four hours taking an important, stressful, scary exam in a foreign language. I can’t even speak English to people properly. How the hell am I going to do all of this stuff in Spanish? xD But I have faith that I will at the least pass the test with a 3, which is *a teeny-tiny bit* important considering that this test costed $140. 

Almost everyone has reacted with the utmost pity upon hearing that my birthday is on the day of this exam, but I honestly don’t care much. I don’t really do anything on my birthday anyway; I just eat cake and go out with my family on the weekend. I’ve got to admit that having the AP Spanish test on my birthday brings me a certain kind of (odd) relief. I’m that one girl who’s just there, so practically nobody knows when my birthday is. And when one of my friends tries to tell the whole class that it is, I end up getting embarrassed with all of the attention. I’d really rather not draw so much attention to myself.

That’s also why I don’t have birthday parties. Most of my friends, like me, have parents who don’t allow them to hang out with friends much, and I don’t have very many of them, so it wouldn’t be much of a party. I think having a party would stress me out, though, so just celebrating with family is nice.

My Dream Birthday

  • would be spent on the beach
  • or in the woods
  • with my family
  • I always love to visit bookstores, so…
  • I love dim sum. I’d go eat dim sum
  • NOT SO MANY PHOTOS PLEASE dear parents 😂 I don’t need to pretend to blow out candles for a picture; I just look stupid
  • a vacation on my birthday would be nice
  • I want to go everywhere. First destination is Europe, because I’m classy :p
  • going swimming! preferrably in the ocean
  • visiting a museum
  • visiting a science center!! I love those
  • Getting a dolphin, which I’d name Bob and put in my bathtub (kidding; I’d eat it)

OMG what’s wrong with me xD

I will celebrate on the weekend, with my favorite type of cake- tres leches. (That matches up with my AP test, I just realized). I have an incredible sweet tooth, and that sponge cake soaked in three kinds of milk, all sweetened, is heavenly for me. (though probably very unhealthy, but who cares? it’s so good). Topping it will be those sparkling candles that look low-key dangerous because they emit sparks. I am assuming that they will look something like this-

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Tall sparklers that you stick into cakes, basically:)

So I will have sixteen of those (my parents always try to convince me to just put one or two in, but I want all of them or else it’s cheating 😂) and for sixteen candles, sixteen wishes:

16 Birthday Wishes

Image result for blowing out candles gif

  1. To be more comfortable around other people,
  2. To talk more in class,
  3. To expand my cardboard box of a comfort zone,
  4. To care more about my own health,
  5. To eat healthier (not less, but more thoughtfully) and exercise more,
  6. To care more about school,
  7. To get better grades,
  8. To raise my expectations for myself (lol, I know)
  9. To feel comfortable being myself,
  10. To feel good about myself,
  11. To celebrate me!
  12. To know what makes me fantastic,
  13. To not be disappointed in myself,
  14. To volunteer at nonprofits over the summer,
  15. To do more of what I love,
  16. To have a better relationship with my dad.

Most of my wishes are about my self-confidence and mental health, as you can see. I probably shouldn’t call these wishes, but goals so that I can have more control over them. Wishes don’t get you anywhere, but goals certainly do.

So that will be how I’m spending my birthday:) I know that things don’t change overnight, but I’m determined to make this year my year.

Life, watch out. This crazy girl’s going to come at you with a tennis racket.

Cate 😊

My Life

About Me and High School- A Collab with The Adventuring Girl!

Hi all!:)

Faith from The Adventuring Girl  and I did a collab recently – we created questions for each other to answer on our school experiences. I’ve never really talked about my high school experience specifically on this blog, so here you go – my answers to Faith’s lovely questions.

Continue reading “About Me and High School- A Collab with The Adventuring Girl!”

My Life

I Blame my Education

Hi all!:)

As you could probably tell from my last post, I’ve fallen into a bit of a rut yet again in terms of my *gasp, the d-word!* depression. But I will feel better very soon, when all this mess of homework and tests and exams is over with:)

That is also why I’ve been blogging inconsistently- I have so much homework and the aforementioned dreaded exams, especially the AP exams which I have not studied for at all. And that is why I will continue to blog inconsistently as well. The temptation of WordPress is too great, so I most likely will reduce my posts to one a week at the least. I will write whenever I have time.

AHHHH WHERE HAS MY TIME GONE?!

Image result for time flies gif

What I have to do:

  • study for my AP tests (two of them)
  • complete a major twenty-page paper
  • study for additional tests and quizzes
  • do all of my homework on time
  • cry

Doesn’t it seem as if time always flies by when you least want it to, and is as slow as a turtle when you don’t want it to be?

My time is currently a turtle with a jetpack on steroids. And no, I am not very happy about that, but I will manage.

There are a lot of posts that I’d like to write and publish, but those will have to wait for another day to see the sunshine. Those include my travel posts, which I am very much looking forward to writing. The one exception to this is a *special post* coming out on Friday! You might want to check that out;) There is also a post that will be published next Tuesday, for obvious reasons that have yet to be revealed. Besides these two posts this Friday and next Tuesday, I will try to fit in some more, although I probably shouldn’t for my AP tests’ sake.  I will let you know when I’m finished being busy with schoolwork (haha never)

Some quick notes:

  • If you already haven’t, feel free to do the Uniquely Me tag! Please don’t be shy; I would love to see you do it.
  • I won’t be responding as quickly to comments as usual, but I will get to them.
  • Comments: I’ve been seeing this more often so I just wanted to get this out of the way. Please don’t leave links to your blog homepage just to advertise your blog; these comments are not appreciated by me and I’m sure that others don’t appreciate them either! I will either edit your URL out of your comment, or mark your comment as spam.
  • Finally, you are awesome, and I hope that you have a lovely day;)

I will see you on Friday!

Xoxo, c.

please excuse me if I sound disoriented; I assure you I am xD my head is pounding from the lack of sleep

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If you would like some other posts to read

The Uniquely Me Tag!

Simply Unmeasurable

Things of Beauty

Post-itivity! Something a Little Different

My Story of Depression and Social Anxiety, Part One

Depression, My Thoughts, Social Anxiety

When There Are No Words

It is cloudy today.

In the morning, I had a short presentation, which I was quite nervous about. When I was called up, a moment of silence passed between the teacher calling out my number and me getting up; I was distracted by something, and this was a bit embarrassing for me, but as it turns out, that embarrassment was for little use. I did perfectly fine, and in the middle of talking, I was surprised by my flow of words. Granted, the presentation didn’t require much speaking, but I was proud of myself. I am proud of myself:)

It was set up to be a perfect day, but I suppose it wasn’t meant to be.

I was reading a post by Nat from Just a Nervous Girl, and I related to it very much, especially because that’s my mood right now, as it has been for the past couple of hours.

Without my depression and social anxiety, I don’t seem to be very much. I’ll say that in the most straightforward way possible- I know it’s not true, I know it. But that’s how I feel, and how I feel is how I know- or rather, at this moment, it takes precedence.

I’m obviously quite socially awkward, which makes me feel awful.

We came back from this spring break and headed immediately to school, and my poor social skills were again shunted front and center as I was forced to interact throughout my day. I very much wish that it were still spring break; maybe I could finish all of my endless homework and projects and study on time, maybe I could have an adequate amount of sleep, maybe I would have more time to relax and do what I actually want to do.

All this time trying to talk makes my energy sapped, especially when it’s cloudy outside. I starting to believe that the weather affects my mood a lot more than I think. I just don’t know what to say. And what I do say makes me feel stupid, as I force myself to make small talk that becomes noise lost in the chaos of people that actually do know what to say.

I wish I were normal, is what I’d actually say.

But what is normal? It’s been too long for me to actually know, to feel what normal feels like. It’s been years- eight years. Truth be told, there is no normal- there is just a life with mental disorders and a life without.

I’m tired of being always being the third wheel, for some people, the backup friend, the one who’s uninteresting, the one who ends up being quiet by myself because I don’t know what to say.

I wish I could discover myself under the bubble wrap and the tissue paper and the gloomy wraps of depression and fear from social anxiety. Because I feel warped right now, like an optical illusion, not enough to be one nor the other. I don’t know what’s inside, but what’s inside may have an escape route.

I don’t know what to say, but I do know what to write.

And I think that is enough.

C.

My Life

Home is Where the Wifi is

Hiii all!:) how are you guys? 

I am finally back home from SoCal, and it feels amazing. The vacation was incredible, but it’s always nice to be back at home. 

I’m still drowsy from the motion sickness pill I took before the flight home, so I think I’ll keep this post short and to sweet. Well, here’s an announcement: over the next couple of days, this blog will become a travel blog. I never thought that I’d ever be a travel blogger 😂. I have a lot to say about what happened at Universal Studios, San Diego Zoo/ Safari Park, and of course Disneyland. 

I published two scheduled posts in Monday and Tuesday (right?) I neglected the rest of the week, haha. I don’t have anymore complete drafts like that, so you won’t be getting any of those for a while. I will look over all comments as soon as I have time, which probably isn’t for a long while. Thank you lots, Ap Euro.

On vacation, I’ve also been thinking about the name of my blog, A Girl and Depression. I wasn’t sure if the title works in with my content, so I may change it to A Girl and Life (original, I know) if anybody has anything​ to say whatsoever about that, I would love to hear from you. I have no idea if I’ll change it or not, though I probably won’t. 

I think that I’ll wrap it up around now– I have too many pages of notes to catch up on. I was so excited to be back and blogging, I just had to make this! I missed WordPress, and am glad to be back.

Xoxo, c. 😊 

P.s. self conscious, criticizing thoughts from my annoying brain running through my head right now, but I will calmly ignore them because I have excellent self control 

Moments later

*shrieks, bangs head on wall*

😂 

Blog

The Uniquely Me Tag!

Uniquely me smallHi all!:)

I love this tag. I’ve had my eye on it for a while, after it was created by the lovely Elm a while ago.

Being depressed, socially anxious, and having low self-esteem means that I’ve often thought of myself as having no personality and being flat-out boring. It’s hard believing in yourself, that you’re someone with something to offer when you have a chemical imbalance in your brain.

Making a list of reasons that I love myself, or reasons that I feel make me unique, has always made me feel better. I was actually planning on publishing a post with something like what this tag does, but when the tag came out, I decided to do this (the tag) instead.

Being as cool as I am;) I was planning on nominating myself 😂 …but I didn’t have to, for the amazing Dreams and Waves as well as lovely Kate from All the Trinkets did! Thank you so much!

The Rules

  1. Thank the person that nominated you for this tag and link back to their blog
  2. Write as many things that are unique to you as possible: these can be things that you do, say, like or have that make you different to other people or let you stand out. It can be what defines you as a person, a little thing about you that is just simply you or something little known that you think makes you up as a person.
  3. Nominate up to 10 bloggers or as many as you like; there isn’t a limit.
  4. You can take this tag as seriously or non-seriously as you like; you can laugh whilst doing it or feel contemplative: this is about you, after all.
  5. After you’ve written this and if you ever feel like there’s nothing to you but what other people have already said and done, look back to your post and remember that it isn’t true. (I love this part!)

What is Unique About Me

What is unique about me?..um… this is a problem

Ok, I got it! 😂

  • I don’t watch TV shows…at all. I don’t have Netflix, or Hulu. I don’t have cable either.
  • I love old, classic books! I love older classics more than modern young adult reads.
  • Whenever I watch YouTube videos, I turn on the captions. I can hear perfectly fine; it’s just that I have to read what people are saying.
  • I can’t stand being cooped up indoors all day- I must. Go. Outside. I guess I’m like the opposite of a vampire- I need my daily sunshine, people!
  • I love taking long hikes in the woods and going to the beach.
  • Speaking of beaches, I love water! Whether it be from the beach or the sea or a swimming pool or a lake, I love it.
  • I am obsessed with stationery. Maybe because it makes me seem organized?
  • I have a fierce love of animals. So much that stepping on a snail causes me mild distress, and I don’t even like seeing fish in pet shops.
  • I can understand, but not speak, read, or write my native language.
  • I find history really interesting. Old things- antiques, old houses, stuff in museums fascinate me– they all have a story!
  • I love GIFs and emojis and smiley faces, as you probably can tell:) they just liven everything up! I also dislike, or at least try to avoid using, sad emojis. I overuse the laughing-crying face.
  • 😂
  • 😂
  • 😂
  • On several occasions when I was playing tennis matches and losing, I smiled through it LOL. I smile and laugh lots:)
  • It is so difficult for me to be concise when I’m writing about something I love. Once I did an assignment that was supposed to be 3-4 pages long; mine was eight.
  • Kindness is my top priority. I try to be kind to everyone, whether they be kind to me or not.
  • I am a depressed optimist;) anybody else?

And I Nominate:

ALL OF YOU READING! Yayyyyyyy!!!!

I am serious; there is no limit on how many people that you can nominate. If you wish to do the tag, here is your chance! I really love this tag and think that there’s a great message behind it. It’s always nice to realize how many good things there are about yourself! So I won’t nominate specific people, since all of you should have the chance to do it if you want to:)

Xoxo, c. 😊


P.S. Please, really, do it! I’m looking forward to reading your posts:) If you really want to put down who nominated you, you could put my name or maybe you could say that this tag was “suggested by” Cate? LOL I don’t know. I don’t think it matters too much though;) have fun!

Oh and comment below if you did do it! I would love to read all of yours. Just remember not to leave a link, or your comment might be sorted out into spam. Try saying something like agirlanddepression at wordpress instead of agirlanddepression.wordpress.com


Note: This is a scheduled post; I’m currently at Disneyland, hanging out with the mutant mice 😂