My Life

Happy Birthday- Sweet Sixteen! Un Examen Para Mí

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A Not-So Sweet Sweet Sixteen

Yes, it is my 16th birthday today! Besides being the date of the Battle of Hogwarts (for Potterheads lol), May 2nd is the day I came into this world and the day on which I’ve come to expect a major life change every year, i.e., magically and immediately overcoming my fear of interacting with people. This change has not yet happened, but I’ve still got hope! xD Fairy godmother, please…?  1-800-I AM- DESPERATE

I was actually kind of dreading my birthday this year, because on the date of my sweet sixteen is also the day of my AP Spanish test.

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… happy birthday

yayyyy

So on the morning of my birthday, I’ll be stuck in the cafeteria for three-four hours taking an important, stressful, scary exam in a foreign language. I can’t even speak English to people properly. How the hell am I going to do all of this stuff in Spanish? xD But I have faith that I will at the least pass the test with a 3, which is *a teeny-tiny bit* important considering that this test costed $140. 

Almost everyone has reacted with the utmost pity upon hearing that my birthday is on the day of this exam, but I honestly don’t care much. I don’t really do anything on my birthday anyway; I just eat cake and go out with my family on the weekend. I’ve got to admit that having the AP Spanish test on my birthday brings me a certain kind of (odd) relief. I’m that one girl who’s just there, so practically nobody knows when my birthday is. And when one of my friends tries to tell the whole class that it is, I end up getting embarrassed with all of the attention. I’d really rather not draw so much attention to myself.

That’s also why I don’t have birthday parties. Most of my friends, like me, have parents who don’t allow them to hang out with friends much, and I don’t have very many of them, so it wouldn’t be much of a party. I think having a party would stress me out, though, so just celebrating with family is nice.

My Dream Birthday

  • would be spent on the beach
  • or in the woods
  • with my family
  • I always love to visit bookstores, so…
  • I love dim sum. I’d go eat dim sum
  • NOT SO MANY PHOTOS PLEASE dear parents 😂 I don’t need to pretend to blow out candles for a picture; I just look stupid
  • a vacation on my birthday would be nice
  • I want to go everywhere. First destination is Europe, because I’m classy :p
  • going swimming! preferrably in the ocean
  • visiting a museum
  • visiting a science center!! I love those
  • Getting a dolphin, which I’d name Bob and put in my bathtub (kidding; I’d eat it)

OMG what’s wrong with me xD

I will celebrate on the weekend, with my favorite type of cake- tres leches. (That matches up with my AP test, I just realized). I have an incredible sweet tooth, and that sponge cake soaked in three kinds of milk, all sweetened, is heavenly for me. (though probably very unhealthy, but who cares? it’s so good). Topping it will be those sparkling candles that look low-key dangerous because they emit sparks. I am assuming that they will look something like this-

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Tall sparklers that you stick into cakes, basically:)

So I will have sixteen of those (my parents always try to convince me to just put one or two in, but I want all of them or else it’s cheating 😂) and for sixteen candles, sixteen wishes:

16 Birthday Wishes

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  1. To be more comfortable around other people,
  2. To talk more in class,
  3. To expand my cardboard box of a comfort zone,
  4. To care more about my own health,
  5. To eat healthier (not less, but more thoughtfully) and exercise more,
  6. To care more about school,
  7. To get better grades,
  8. To raise my expectations for myself (lol, I know)
  9. To feel comfortable being myself,
  10. To feel good about myself,
  11. To celebrate me!
  12. To know what makes me fantastic,
  13. To not be disappointed in myself,
  14. To volunteer at nonprofits over the summer,
  15. To do more of what I love,
  16. To have a better relationship with my dad.

Most of my wishes are about my self-confidence and mental health, as you can see. I probably shouldn’t call these wishes, but goals so that I can have more control over them. Wishes don’t get you anywhere, but goals certainly do.

So that will be how I’m spending my birthday:) I know that things don’t change overnight, but I’m determined to make this year my year.

Life, watch out. This crazy girl’s going to come at you with a tennis racket.

Cate 😊

My Life

About Me and High School- A Collab with The Adventuring Girl!

Hi all!:)

Faith from The Adventuring Girl  and I did a collab recently – we created questions for each other to answer on our school experiences. I’ve never really talked about my high school experience specifically on this blog, so here you go – my answers to Faith’s lovely questions.

Continue reading “About Me and High School- A Collab with The Adventuring Girl!”

My Life

I Blame my Education

Hi all!:)

As you could probably tell from my last post, I’ve fallen into a bit of a rut yet again in terms of my *gasp, the d-word!* depression. But I will feel better very soon, when all this mess of homework and tests and exams is over with:)

That is also why I’ve been blogging inconsistently- I have so much homework and the aforementioned dreaded exams, especially the AP exams which I have not studied for at all. And that is why I will continue to blog inconsistently as well. The temptation of WordPress is too great, so I most likely will reduce my posts to one a week at the least. I will write whenever I have time.

AHHHH WHERE HAS MY TIME GONE?!

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What I have to do:

  • study for my AP tests (two of them)
  • complete a major twenty-page paper
  • study for additional tests and quizzes
  • do all of my homework on time
  • cry

Doesn’t it seem as if time always flies by when you least want it to, and is as slow as a turtle when you don’t want it to be?

My time is currently a turtle with a jetpack on steroids. And no, I am not very happy about that, but I will manage.

There are a lot of posts that I’d like to write and publish, but those will have to wait for another day to see the sunshine. Those include my travel posts, which I am very much looking forward to writing. The one exception to this is a *special post* coming out on Friday! You might want to check that out;) There is also a post that will be published next Tuesday, for obvious reasons that have yet to be revealed. Besides these two posts this Friday and next Tuesday, I will try to fit in some more, although I probably shouldn’t for my AP tests’ sake.  I will let you know when I’m finished being busy with schoolwork (haha never)

Some quick notes:

  • If you already haven’t, feel free to do the Uniquely Me tag! Please don’t be shy; I would love to see you do it.
  • I won’t be responding as quickly to comments as usual, but I will get to them.
  • Comments: I’ve been seeing this more often so I just wanted to get this out of the way. Please don’t leave links to your blog homepage just to advertise your blog; these comments are not appreciated by me and I’m sure that others don’t appreciate them either! I will either edit your URL out of your comment, or mark your comment as spam.
  • Finally, you are awesome, and I hope that you have a lovely day;)

I will see you on Friday!

Xoxo, c.

please excuse me if I sound disoriented; I assure you I am xD my head is pounding from the lack of sleep

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If you would like some other posts to read

The Uniquely Me Tag!

Simply Unmeasurable

Things of Beauty

Post-itivity! Something a Little Different

My Story of Depression and Social Anxiety, Part One

My Life

Bringing Gloom to the Happiest Place on Earth!

Warning: disorganized post– I was writing the way my brain works. Also, a lot of (only half-kidding) complaining on the verge of whining is about to ensue…sometimes I wish I were into YouTube so that I could show people how I feel; when I’m being sarcastic or trying to make a joke, because I’m pretty sure I sound like a 2-year-old spoiled brat in this post 😂 oh well. WAIT…that gives me an idea

I’m going to Disneyland, and I don’t want to go.

That probably sounds really bratty of me (because it is) but I simply can’t go- I have so much schoolwork to do. Spring break is notorious for not being a break at all, but rather a week of frenetic studying and stressing and maybe breakdowns.

*sobs*

I would like to complain a little, so I will.

AP tests, for one thing, are almost immediately after this break. Right now I’m taking AP Spanish and AP European history, and I haven’t studied for them at all. [AP tests are test that you take after taking an AP (Advanced Placement; “college level” course). Scores are from a scale of 1-5, with 3 as a passing score. If you pass, colleges may give you credit so that you don’t need to take the same class again in college] I’m sure that I’ll pass both of them, but my goal is to get at least a 4 on each, which will require some more studying. AHHHH 😂

And then my lovely AP Euro teacher decided to give us quizzes during our break. QUIZZES. Not even homework, but quizzes that we need to take on the exact day she posts them. I’ll be in a hotel room with my laptop answering questions about World War II.

There is also major research project due after break- I need to write up 20 pages and incorporate pictures, screenshots, and interviews. This break is also used to study for finals, which I won’t be able to do.

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I’ll just have to try to cram everything in, I guess. Everything will be fineeee (*two weeks later, at 2 AM* I’M NOT FINE)

I really am looking forward to going to Disneyland though- who doesn’t love Disneyland?! I haven’t been there in four years. Since then, I’ve acquired a love of roller coasters- I love that rush of adrenaline that you get while dropping weightlessly down the tracks; it makes me feel fearless. It’s really surprising given that I become horribly motion sick on airplanes and some buses or trains.

I’ll be dropping by Universal Studios and the San Diego Zoo as well. Universal studios=HARRY POTTER!! I am ecstatic to be going there- I want butterbeer! And exploding bonbons, and chocolate frogs…as you can see, it’s all about the food;) I won’t be able to leave without buying merchandise- as you may or may not know, I love Harry Potter.

At the zoo, I hope to go zip lining- so much fun!!

I don’t think anyone at school would expect me to be into thrill rides and things like this; I am a quiet, shy wallflower who blends in with the carpet. I probably wouldn’t have ever tried to go on a roller coaster if not for my best friend going with me on my first one.

Riding on thrill rides makes me feel like I’m someone I’m not, but in a good way. I know that this courage and fearlessness and strength revealed on these rides are always residing inside of me, and that makes me feel amazing.

So I’m going to pack up my stuff, as we’re leaving tomorrow in the morning. Exciting, but at the same time so stressful. I’ll need to pack my laptop for the quizzes, dammit.

I may post some drafts while I’m gone, but no guarantees;)

Well, that’s that! I know that this was a disorganized, all-over-the-place post, but that’s how my brain works after doing trigonometry problems;)

In total, I will be dragging my stressed and depressed little soul over to Disneyland, where I will have social anxiety as costumed actors call me “Princess” and try to be friendly.

Wow, I am definitely loads of fun. 😂

Bye! I’ll see you after vacation:) If you’re on break, I hope that you have a fantastic one, and if not, I hope that you have a great week!

Xoxo, C 😊

P.s. If anyone has any tips or anything to say about Disneyland, I would love to hear them:)

 

My Life, My Thoughts, Social Anxiety

Call Me Cate, Not Cait(lyn Jenner)

*This is a very, very, very long post plus a rant at the end. It is best to read on the computer;)* If you find it too long to read in this format, you can also use this link to: Read on Google Docs

This post has been on my mind for a long, long time; mainly because this has affected me a lot and I want to make my views on this (controversial) topic known.

I’ve never really told this to anyone, and am slightly nervous of telling this, so I guess the best place to start is telling this to the public, with my blog;)

Today at school, there was one of those jokes again. As I walked to my chemistry class with two of my friends in tow, one male and one female, my male friend said something meant to be funny. I forget what the context was, but he turned to the girl and told her, “You’re Rose.” Then, he turned to me and said, “And you, C., can be Jack.”

Continue reading “Call Me Cate, Not Cait(lyn Jenner)”

Depression, Social Anxiety

To Tell You the Truth; Post-itivity

Today, I simply did not have the time nor the energy nor the will to create a Monday Motivation post. So I didn’t;) 

I’m just exhausted. From homework, from stress, from anxiety, from depression. 

I think I need a bit of a break. I’m not sure if posting on a schedule is helping me at all, so I may or may not post on Thursday. 

If you would like to see my past Post-itivity, here are the links:

Post-itivity created by A Girl and Depression

Post-itivity! Something a Little Different

Post-itivity! Sailing on the Sea of Life

POST-ITITIVY: Life- You’ll Die Anyway

POST-ITIVITY: Failure

Post-itivity #1: THE JOURNEY

I think that trying to spread motivation while you’re low is exhausting, and I won’t do that to myself for views or likes or anything. 

I also do not want to be a hypocrite or falsely positive when I am not; I am depressed so I AM DEPRESSED. 😂 

Well, I don’t know what the point of this was, but it made me feel better. 

But I do suppose that not everything needs to have a point; something that seems pointless could be meaningful in the best way.

If that was words of wisdom or a strange rambling sentence, I do not know 😂  

Anyways, I literally have 50 pages of notes to take on AP (college level) European history. World War I was absolutely pointless, yet we have to learn about it anyway. 

Good bye, until I see you again; 

XO c ❤

Social Anxiety

So I Tried Too Hard

Since I have social anxiety, I thought that it would be a *fantastic* idea to join the Model UN club at my school. MUN is a program in which simulations of actual United Nations conferences are conducted, and the whole point of it is to talk, giving speeches and cooperating with other “countries”, or students. So my helpful brain told me that it would help with my social anxiety and speaking skills.

As you probably can tell by now, it did not exactly work out.

During the whole conference, (which lasted three days and fifteen hours) I was absolutely miserable. I didn’t talk the whole time- I just nodded, smiled, and offered various affirmations for whatever my partner said. Throughout those horrible hours, a nauseous feeling in my stomach persisted in giving me extreme dread.  I was terrified that someone would talk to me, but I didn’t want anyone to ignore me and just talk to my partner, as they so often did. I stayed in my cushioned chair and scrolled through my phone, or admired the way other students talked so fluidly and with so much self-confidence. Boredom and a fierce headache from a lack of sleep (we arrived home at 11:00 PM) didn’t help.

Maybe the conference wouldn’t have been as boring to me if I’d talked but again, I have social anxiety. I was just about as ready to give a speech as a fish was ready to turn into lightbulb and fly.

Even an average person would be nervous in front of TWO HUNDRED immaculately dressed, intensely competitive, serious students.

But I didn’t talk when I could’ve, either- there were many times I could’ve tried to talk, when we weren’t giving actual speeches, but I couldn’t bring myself to get past the lump in my throat or the rock in my stomach.

Afterwards, guilt settled in, thanks to my perceived failures at the conference. It was, to sum it up, completely awful. My attempt to make myself “better” backfired, because my faults became all too clear to me.

Right now, I’m OK, though. “Happy” once again:) No, really actually genuinely happy, not just smiling. It’s funny (not so funny) how bouts of depression can just strike and disappear, like lightning, but am I glad that it vanished quickly.

And while feeling better about myself, I’ve come to an agreement with myself. No matter how boring, how awful I found this conference, I’m going to try again next year. I know that I overreached this year and expected too much for my first conference, so I’m going to give MUN a chance to work its miracles on me again. I’m sure that MUN, or activities like it, will help me learn how to talk.

My lesson learned: I’ll try hard, but not too hard- and don’t I won’t be too hard on myself when I fall. You can’t conquer a mountain in one day, and if you leap too high, don’t be surprised when you fall down hard.

xoxo, c.,❤