Happy Birthday- Sweet Sixteen! Un Examen Para Mí

A Not-So Sweet Sweet Sixteen

Yes, it is my 16th birthday today! Besides being the date of the Battle of Hogwarts (for Potterheads lol), May 2nd is the day I came into this world and the day on which I’ve come to expect a major life change every year, i.e., magically and immediately overcoming my fear of interacting with people. This change has not yet happened, but I’ve still got hope! xD Fairy godmother, please…?  1-800-I AM- DESPERATE

I was actually kind of dreading my birthday this year, because on the date of my sweet sixteen is also the day of my AP Spanish test.

… happy birthday

yayyyy

So on the morning of my birthday, I’ll be stuck in the cafeteria for three-four hours taking an important, stressful, scary exam in a foreign language. I can’t even speak English to people properly. How the hell am I going to do all of this stuff in Spanish? xD But I have faith that I will at the least pass the test with a 3, which is *a teeny-tiny bit* important considering that this test costed $140. 

Almost everyone has reacted with the utmost pity upon hearing that my birthday is on the day of this exam, but I honestly don’t care much. I don’t really do anything on my birthday anyway; I just eat cake and go out with my family on the weekend. I’ve got to admit that having the AP Spanish test on my birthday brings me a certain kind of (odd) relief. I’m that one girl who’s just there, so practically nobody knows when my birthday is. And when one of my friends tries to tell the whole class that it is, I end up getting embarrassed with all of the attention. I’d really rather not draw so much attention to myself.

That’s also why I don’t have birthday parties. Most of my friends, like me, have parents who don’t allow them to hang out with friends much, and I don’t have very many of them, so it wouldn’t be much of a party. I think having a party would stress me out, though, so just celebrating with family is nice.

My Dream Birthday

• would be spent on the beach
• or in the woods
• with my family
• I always love to visit bookstores, so…
• I love dim sum. I’d go eat dim sum
• NOT SO MANY PHOTOS PLEASE dear parents 😂 I don’t need to pretend to blow out candles for a picture; I just look stupid
• a vacation on my birthday would be nice
• I want to go everywhere. First destination is Europe, because I’m classy :p
• going swimming! preferrably in the ocean
• visiting a museum
• visiting a science center!! I love those
• Getting a dolphin, which I’d name Bob and put in my bathtub (kidding; I’d eat it)

OMG what’s wrong with me xD

I will celebrate on the weekend, with my favorite type of cake- tres leches. (That matches up with my AP test, I just realized). I have an incredible sweet tooth, and that sponge cake soaked in three kinds of milk, all sweetened, is heavenly for me. (though probably very unhealthy, but who cares? it’s so good). Topping it will be those sparkling candles that look low-key dangerous because they emit sparks. I am assuming that they will look something like this-

Tall sparklers that you stick into cakes, basically:)

So I will have sixteen of those (my parents always try to convince me to just put one or two in, but I want all of them or else it’s cheating 😂) and for sixteen candles, sixteen wishes:

16 Birthday Wishes

1. To be more comfortable around other people,
2. To talk more in class,
3. To expand my cardboard box of a comfort zone,
4. To care more about my own health,
5. To eat healthier (not less, but more thoughtfully) and exercise more,
6. To care more about school,
7. To get better grades,
8. To raise my expectations for myself (lol, I know)
9. To feel comfortable being myself,
10. To feel good about myself,
11. To celebrate me!
12. To know what makes me fantastic,
13. To not be disappointed in myself,
14. To volunteer at nonprofits over the summer,
15. To do more of what I love,
16. To have a better relationship with my dad.

Most of my wishes are about my self-confidence and mental health, as you can see. I probably shouldn’t call these wishes, but goals so that I can have more control over them. Wishes don’t get you anywhere, but goals certainly do.

So that will be how I’m spending my birthday:) I know that things don’t change overnight, but I’m determined to make this year my year.

Life, watch out. This crazy girl’s going to come at you with a tennis racket.

Cate 😊

When There Are No Words

It is cloudy today.

In the morning, I had a short presentation, which I was quite nervous about. When I was called up, a moment of silence passed between the teacher calling out my number and me getting up; I was distracted by something, and this was a bit embarrassing for me, but as it turns out, that embarrassment was for little use. I did perfectly fine, and in the middle of talking, I was surprised by my flow of words. Granted, the presentation didn’t require much speaking, but I was proud of myself. I am proud of myself:)

It was set up to be a perfect day, but I suppose it wasn’t meant to be.

I was reading a post by Nat from Just a Nervous Girl, and I related to it very much, especially because that’s my mood right now, as it has been for the past couple of hours.

Without my depression and social anxiety, I don’t seem to be very much. I’ll say that in the most straightforward way possible- I know it’s not true, I know it. But that’s how I feel, and how I feel is how I know- or rather, at this moment, it takes precedence.

I’m obviously quite socially awkward, which makes me feel awful.

We came back from this spring break and headed immediately to school, and my poor social skills were again shunted front and center as I was forced to interact throughout my day. I very much wish that it were still spring break; maybe I could finish all of my endless homework and projects and study on time, maybe I could have an adequate amount of sleep, maybe I would have more time to relax and do what I actually want to do.

All this time trying to talk makes my energy sapped, especially when it’s cloudy outside. I starting to believe that the weather affects my mood a lot more than I think. I just don’t know what to say. And what I do say makes me feel stupid, as I force myself to make small talk that becomes noise lost in the chaos of people that actually do know what to say.

I wish I were normal, is what I’d actually say.

But what is normal? It’s been too long for me to actually know, to feel what normal feels like. It’s been years- eight years. Truth be told, there is no normal- there is just a life with mental disorders and a life without.

I’m tired of being always being the third wheel, for some people, the backup friend, the one who’s uninteresting, the one who ends up being quiet by myself because I don’t know what to say.

I wish I could discover myself under the bubble wrap and the tissue paper and the gloomy wraps of depression and fear from social anxiety. Because I feel warped right now, like an optical illusion, not enough to be one nor the other. I don’t know what’s inside, but what’s inside may have an escape route.

I don’t know what to say, but I do know what to write.

And I think that is enough.

C.

The Uniquely Me Tag!

Hi all!:)

I love this tag. I’ve had my eye on it for a while, after it was created by the lovely Elm a while ago.

Being depressed, socially anxious, and having low self-esteem means that I’ve often thought of myself as having no personality and being flat-out boring. It’s hard believing in yourself, that you’re someone with something to offer when you have a chemical imbalance in your brain.

Making a list of reasons that I love myself, or reasons that I feel make me unique, has always made me feel better. I was actually planning on publishing a post with something like what this tag does, but when the tag came out, I decided to do this (the tag) instead.

Being as cool as I am;) I was planning on nominating myself 😂 …but I didn’t have to, for the amazing Dreams and Waves as well as lovely Kate from All the Trinkets did! Thank you so much!

The Rules

1. Thank the person that nominated you for this tag and link back to their blog
2. Write as many things that are unique to you as possible: these can be things that you do, say, like or have that make you different to other people or let you stand out. It can be what defines you as a person, a little thing about you that is just simply you or something little known that you think makes you up as a person.
3. Nominate up to 10 bloggers or as many as you like; there isn’t a limit.
4. You can take this tag as seriously or non-seriously as you like; you can laugh whilst doing it or feel contemplative: this is about you, after all.
5. After you’ve written this and if you ever feel like there’s nothing to you but what other people have already said and done, look back to your post and remember that it isn’t true. (I love this part!)

What is Unique About Me

What is unique about me?..um… this is a problem

Ok, I got it! 😂

• I don’t watch TV shows…at all. I don’t have Netflix, or Hulu. I don’t have cable either.
• I love old, classic books! I love older classics more than modern young adult reads.
• Whenever I watch YouTube videos, I turn on the captions. I can hear perfectly fine; it’s just that I have to read what people are saying.
• I can’t stand being cooped up indoors all day- I must. Go. Outside. I guess I’m like the opposite of a vampire- I need my daily sunshine, people!
• I love taking long hikes in the woods and going to the beach.
• Speaking of beaches, I love water! Whether it be from the beach or the sea or a swimming pool or a lake, I love it.
• I am obsessed with stationery. Maybe because it makes me seem organized?
• I have a fierce love of animals. So much that stepping on a snail causes me mild distress, and I don’t even like seeing fish in pet shops.
• I can understand, but not speak, read, or write my native language.
• I find history really interesting. Old things- antiques, old houses, stuff in museums fascinate me– they all have a story!
• I love GIFs and emojis and smiley faces, as you probably can tell:) they just liven everything up! I also dislike, or at least try to avoid using, sad emojis. I overuse the laughing-crying face.
• 😂
• 😂
• 😂
• On several occasions when I was playing tennis matches and losing, I smiled through it LOL. I smile and laugh lots:)
• It is so difficult for me to be concise when I’m writing about something I love. Once I did an assignment that was supposed to be 3-4 pages long; mine was eight.
• Kindness is my top priority. I try to be kind to everyone, whether they be kind to me or not.
• I am a depressed optimist;) anybody else?

And I Nominate:

ALL OF YOU READING! Yayyyyyyy!!!!

I am serious; there is no limit on how many people that you can nominate. If you wish to do the tag, here is your chance! I really love this tag and think that there’s a great message behind it. It’s always nice to realize how many good things there are about yourself! So I won’t nominate specific people, since all of you should have the chance to do it if you want to:)

Xoxo, c. 😊

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P.S. Please, really, do it! I’m looking forward to reading your posts:) If you really want to put down who nominated you, you could put my name or maybe you could say that this tag was “suggested by” Cate? LOL I don’t know. I don’t think it matters too much though;) have fun!

Oh and comment below if you did do it! I would love to read all of yours. Just remember not to leave a link, or your comment might be sorted out into spam. Try saying something like agirlanddepression at wordpress instead of agirlanddepression.wordpress.com

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Note: This is a scheduled post; I’m currently at Disneyland, hanging out with the mutant mice 😂

Call Me Cate, Not Cait(lyn Jenner)

*This is a very, very, very long post plus a rant at the end. It is best to read on the computer;)* If you find it too long to read in this format, you can also use this link to: Read on Google Docs

This post has been on my mind for a long, long time; mainly because this has affected me a lot and I want to make my views on this (controversial) topic known.

I’ve never really told this to anyone, and am slightly nervous of telling this, so I guess the best place to start is telling this to the public, with my blog;)

Today at school, there was one of those jokes again. As I walked to my chemistry class with two of my friends in tow, one male and one female, my male friend said something meant to be funny. I forget what the context was, but he turned to the girl and told her, “You’re Rose.” Then, he turned to me and said, “And you, C., can be Jack.”

My Blog and Me: The Troubled Couple

Lately, I’ve been a terrible blogger.

I’ve procrastinated on posts and struggled to stay on my schedule of Monday and Thursday, run out of interesting post ideas and motivation, and have kind of simply thrown things at you. Last-minute, half-baked ideas as well as sorry excuses for why my writing is virtual trash, complaints about how I’m running out of time.

You’re welcome.

(kidding;)

Now that I look back at my blog posts, I think that I’m pretty proud of them. Of most of them, at least. But I don’t think that I have enough of the content that I would like to have.

Even if the posts look alright on the surface, there is one heck of an ugly framework supporting it invisibly. A lot of nights procrastinating and freaking out and typing frantically while math homework lies by ignored, a lot of internal anguish, stress and pressure with the upcoming deadline, even if it’s self-imposed.

Not to mention the fear of not being good enough or being judged that comes along with the darling social anxiety. The blue PUBLISH button is something to be fought and conquered before being pressed, after the internal debate and whispers in my mind that tell me what I’m writing isn’t good enough, people won’t like it, I’m complaining too much, I sound too happy, I sound too depressed.

I’m ashamed to say that, more than once, I’ve thought things too depressing to be published. Talks of depression would repulse visitors and drive away views.

My blog, obviously, is supposed to deal a lot with depression. I’m freaking “A Girl and Depression”. A girl with depression too afraid to speak of her depression? A girl who hides behind her smile, sometimes genuine and sometimes not, in both the real life and behind someone’s LED screen?

Originally, my blog was created to deal solely with my mental health. But I never wanted to be restricted to one topic, to always just talk about my depression and social anxiety.

Then I discovered some amazing personal blogs, and I think that’s something that I want to do. It’ll take some time, but I’ll see if I can transition into more personal blogging- telling you more about me, what I’m up to, my thoughts on things. That’s when my goal for this blog was changed, and I introduced my happy side.

But nowadays, my happy side comes in flashes, and I want to talk about my bad days as well. The real dirty, dark and gritty depression and social anxiety, the type that makes “neurotically neutral” squirm, what some people try to avoid reading. And I’m ashamed that I want to shield that side. That I want to bury part of the truth that so many others need to hear.

And for that I am sorry.

Maybe I’m too hard on myself (I probably am). For one thing, I really like the majority of my posts! My blog probably doesn’t seem like a mound of dung, because it isn’t (which is disputable:p) but this is how I feel from the other end of the screen. Looking back at my posts, none of them are as bad as I felt they were. But it was simply the process that completely stressed me out, and quite frankly made blogging a terrifying chore.

Promises for myself:

• I won’t procrastinate, for I’ll post when I want, which is normally more often than just twice a week.
• I won’t keep anything deemed too gloomy or too dark from my blog if I want to talk about it.
• I will write more about me, and what’s up in my life.
• I don’t like the inflexibility of a fixed schedule, so I declare its sudden demise at this instant.
• I will write whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want.
• I’m going to make blogging fun for me again!

To be completely honest, I’m getting an extreme amount of self-doubt about this whole post right now; I am resisting the temptation to dive back in and edit this whole post ferociously, and perhaps to even delete it. So if you see this post, I probably just clicked that blue button with my eyes closed, desperately quickly before closing my laptop.

Well, that’s it for today. I have to admit that I have a chemistry test tomorrow that I’m not prepared for at all, and it is 11:00 PM, so I really must go.

I hope that you have a fantastic day, all of you! Smile lots and have fun:)

Xx, C ❤️

P.S. quick shout-out to the amazing Adventuring Girl for teaching me how to insert GIFs! Finally…I’ve been trying for so long and it’s never worked 😂thank you, Faith:)

To Tell You the Truth; Post-itivity

Today, I simply did not have the time nor the energy nor the will to create a Monday Motivation post. So I didn’t;) 

I’m just exhausted. From homework, from stress, from anxiety, from depression. 

I think I need a bit of a break. I’m not sure if posting on a schedule is helping me at all, so I may or may not post on Thursday. 

If you would like to see my past Post-itivity, here are the links:

Post-itivity created by A Girl and Depression

Post-itivity! Something a Little Different

Post-itivity! Sailing on the Sea of Life

POST-ITITIVY: Life- You’ll Die Anyway

POST-ITIVITY: Failure

Post-itivity #1: THE JOURNEY

I think that trying to spread motivation while you’re low is exhausting, and I won’t do that to myself for views or likes or anything. 

I also do not want to be a hypocrite or falsely positive when I am not; I am depressed so I AM DEPRESSED. 😂 

Well, I don’t know what the point of this was, but it made me feel better. 

But I do suppose that not everything needs to have a point; something that seems pointless could be meaningful in the best way.

If that was words of wisdom or a strange rambling sentence, I do not know 😂  

Anyways, I literally have 50 pages of notes to take on AP (college level) European history. World War I was absolutely pointless, yet we have to learn about it anyway. 

Good bye, until I see you again; 

XO c ❤

Thoughts on a Train

While I was on the train with my classmates, staring out of the window and trying to avoid conversation as much as possible, four well-dressed students came in.

Immaculately dressed in heels or loafers, and all lugging suitcases, they settled in the rows of seats across from me, and I listened to their noisy, rapid-fire chatter.

There was one test question…complained the girl in the tallest heels, with a knowledgeable air- where he asked where the water in the bay comes from…but it depends on where he’s asking about…right? it could be salt water or fresh water or a mixture of both if…

To me, there’s something marvelous in a person’s ability to speak as cleverly and rapidly as they did. An ability that I sorely lack, of course;) but one that I wish for all the same.

I realized how much I wished to be like them.

I wanted to be able to talk thoughtfully yet quickly, be light and entertaining and fun and graceful.

I wanted to be able to have friends like them, friends that I could talk to and hang out with and travel with and have intelligent conversations with.

But mostly, I wanted their self-confidence. It was radiated through their chatter and their postures. They were self-assured and incredibly confident. I wanted their sense of independence, their ability to wander and stay in a hotel by themselves without parents.

I wonder if they realize how lucky they are to be gifted with a type of speech like that. I wonder if they are able to comprehend how much of a struggle it is for some people to believe in themselves, or talk even to friends.

I wish that self-confidence were contagious.

 

So I Tried Too Hard

Since I have social anxiety, I thought that it would be a *fantastic* idea to join the Model UN club at my school. MUN is a program in which simulations of actual United Nations conferences are conducted, and the whole point of it is to talk, giving speeches and cooperating with other “countries”, or students. So my helpful brain told me that it would help with my social anxiety and speaking skills.

As you probably can tell by now, it did not exactly work out.

During the whole conference, (which lasted three days and fifteen hours) I was absolutely miserable. I didn’t talk the whole time- I just nodded, smiled, and offered various affirmations for whatever my partner said. Throughout those horrible hours, a nauseous feeling in my stomach persisted in giving me extreme dread.  I was terrified that someone would talk to me, but I didn’t want anyone to ignore me and just talk to my partner, as they so often did. I stayed in my cushioned chair and scrolled through my phone, or admired the way other students talked so fluidly and with so much self-confidence. Boredom and a fierce headache from a lack of sleep (we arrived home at 11:00 PM) didn’t help.

Maybe the conference wouldn’t have been as boring to me if I’d talked but again, I have social anxiety. I was just about as ready to give a speech as a fish was ready to turn into lightbulb and fly.

Even an average person would be nervous in front of TWO HUNDRED immaculately dressed, intensely competitive, serious students.

But I didn’t talk when I could’ve, either- there were many times I could’ve tried to talk, when we weren’t giving actual speeches, but I couldn’t bring myself to get past the lump in my throat or the rock in my stomach.

Afterwards, guilt settled in, thanks to my perceived failures at the conference. It was, to sum it up, completely awful. My attempt to make myself “better” backfired, because my faults became all too clear to me.

Right now, I’m OK, though. “Happy” once again:) No, really actually genuinely happy, not just smiling. It’s funny (not so funny) how bouts of depression can just strike and disappear, like lightning, but am I glad that it vanished quickly.

And while feeling better about myself, I’ve come to an agreement with myself. No matter how boring, how awful I found this conference, I’m going to try again next year. I know that I overreached this year and expected too much for my first conference, so I’m going to give MUN a chance to work its miracles on me again. I’m sure that MUN, or activities like it, will help me learn how to talk.

My lesson learned: I’ll try hard, but not too hard- and don’t I won’t be too hard on myself when I fall. You can’t conquer a mountain in one day, and if you leap too high, don’t be surprised when you fall down hard.

xoxo, c.,❤

 

Social Anxiety vs Shyness: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Hi all!

I realize that social anxiety can be mistaken for or thought of as extreme shyness or introversion, which is completely wrong- it’s actually even possible for someone with social anxiety to be not shy or extroverted. I thought that I’d cover some of the main differences between the two, since they’re so often confused.

1. Socially anxious people aren’t happy being quiet- Many introverts or shy people like being quiet; they choose to be quiet and are happy to be quiet. We aren’t. I want to talk, so badly, but it feels as if I CAN’T talk.
2. Physical sensations- We experience physical sensations as a result of anxiety, which include a racing heartbeat (that I can hear in my ears and makes me feel like a reverberating drum), difficulty breathing, nausea, lightheadedness, and panic attacks. Just horrible in general.
3. Self-Esteem- What is that? Think I can buy some? 😂 People with social anxiety often lack self-esteem. Shy people for the most part have intact self-esteem, as do introverts.
4. Thoughts- When I talk to someone, I’m always thinking if I sound or look stupid or if they don’t like me or think I’m weird or blah blah blah. Shy people, on the other hand, are just scared of getting out there, and don’t have all these irrational thoughts. The socially anxious care a lot about how other people perceive them, shy people don’t as much. Or at least, they don’t have this constant flow of negative thoughts in their heads.
5. Emotions – Chances are that the socially anxious have a hell of a lot more awful emotions than do shy people. Actually, that’s a fact. There is mental ANGUISH in being socially anxious. A shy person doesn’t come close to feeling this way; they’re perfectly “normal”.  There is a lot of fear and worry and stress in being socially anxious.
6. Shy people often have a lot to say– Ever try talking to that one shy person and discovering that they have an amazing personality with their own unique views? I’ve found that a lot of shy people are so interesting and easy to have conversations with. I, on the other hand, find it hard to think of even small talk. Of course, I’m terrified that the other person will think my talking about the weather as shallow.

Well, that’s it. Social anxiety IS NOT being shy. Socially anxious people can actually be not shy- many actually want to talk to other people, but are held back by social anxiety. Another major thing with social anxiety is that people with it know that their thoughts are incredibly irrational and unproportional, but simply can’t help it. It’s very difficult having social anxiety, because everyday human life is structured around human interaction- speaking is something critical.

I hope that made things clearer:) this post is something that I’ve been meaning to write for a while. Social anxiety doesn’t get talked about as often as its cousin, depression. We need to talk about it! Talking about it will help eliminate the stigma around it and around so many other mental health issues as well.

I hope you have a fantastic day, all of you:) and if you have social anxiety like me, much love. Let’s all keep trying together!

❤, c.

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p.s. I always just almost write my real name, then I have to stop myself😂

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Image Credit: Beyond Anxiety and Depression

I can relate. 

In the End

In spite of it all

I truly believe

Everything will be OK.

I know so.