Depression, My Thoughts, Social Anxiety

When There Are No Words

It is cloudy today.

In the morning, I had a short presentation, which I was quite nervous about. When I was called up, a moment of silence passed between the teacher calling out my number and me getting up; I was distracted by something, and this was a bit embarrassing for me, but as it turns out, that embarrassment was for little use. I did perfectly fine, and in the middle of talking, I was surprised by my flow of words. Granted, the presentation didn’t require much speaking, but I was proud of myself. I am proud of myself:)

It was set up to be a perfect day, but I suppose it wasn’t meant to be.

I was reading a post by Nat from Just a Nervous Girl, and I related to it very much, especially because that’s my mood right now, as it has been for the past couple of hours.

Without my depression and social anxiety, I don’t seem to be very much. I’ll say that in the most straightforward way possible- I know it’s not true, I know it. But that’s how I feel, and how I feel is how I know- or rather, at this moment, it takes precedence.

I’m obviously quite socially awkward, which makes me feel awful.

We came back from this spring break and headed immediately to school, and my poor social skills were again shunted front and center as I was forced to interact throughout my day. I very much wish that it were still spring break; maybe I could finish all of my endless homework and projects and study on time, maybe I could have an adequate amount of sleep, maybe I would have more time to relax and do what I actually want to do.

All this time trying to talk makes my energy sapped, especially when it’s cloudy outside. I starting to believe that the weather affects my mood a lot more than I think. I just don’t know what to say. And what I do say makes me feel stupid, as I force myself to make small talk that becomes noise lost in the chaos of people that actually do know what to say.

I wish I were normal, is what I’d actually say.

But what is normal? It’s been too long for me to actually know, to feel what normal feels like. It’s been years- eight years. Truth be told, there is no normal- there is just a life with mental disorders and a life without.

I’m tired of being always being the third wheel, for some people, the backup friend, the one who’s uninteresting, the one who ends up being quiet by myself because I don’t know what to say.

I wish I could discover myself under the bubble wrap and the tissue paper and the gloomy wraps of depression and fear from social anxiety. Because I feel warped right now, like an optical illusion, not enough to be one nor the other. I don’t know what’s inside, but what’s inside may have an escape route.

I don’t know what to say, but I do know what to write.

And I think that is enough.

C.

My Life

Home is Where the Wifi is

Hiii all!:) how are you guys? 

I am finally back home from SoCal, and it feels amazing. The vacation was incredible, but it’s always nice to be back at home. 

I’m still drowsy from the motion sickness pill I took before the flight home, so I think I’ll keep this post short and to sweet. Well, here’s an announcement: over the next couple of days, this blog will become a travel blog. I never thought that I’d ever be a travel blogger 😂. I have a lot to say about what happened at Universal Studios, San Diego Zoo/ Safari Park, and of course Disneyland. 

I published two scheduled posts in Monday and Tuesday (right?) I neglected the rest of the week, haha. I don’t have anymore complete drafts like that, so you won’t be getting any of those for a while. I will look over all comments as soon as I have time, which probably isn’t for a long while. Thank you lots, Ap Euro.

On vacation, I’ve also been thinking about the name of my blog, A Girl and Depression. I wasn’t sure if the title works in with my content, so I may change it to A Girl and Life (original, I know) if anybody has anything​ to say whatsoever about that, I would love to hear from you. I have no idea if I’ll change it or not, though I probably won’t. 

I think that I’ll wrap it up around now– I have too many pages of notes to catch up on. I was so excited to be back and blogging, I just had to make this! I missed WordPress, and am glad to be back.

Xoxo, c. 😊 

P.s. self conscious, criticizing thoughts from my annoying brain running through my head right now, but I will calmly ignore them because I have excellent self control 

Moments later

*shrieks, bangs head on wall*

😂 

My Life

Bringing Gloom to the Happiest Place on Earth!

Warning: disorganized post– I was writing the way my brain works. Also, a lot of (only half-kidding) complaining on the verge of whining is about to ensue…sometimes I wish I were into YouTube so that I could show people how I feel; when I’m being sarcastic or trying to make a joke, because I’m pretty sure I sound like a 2-year-old spoiled brat in this post 😂 oh well. WAIT…that gives me an idea

I’m going to Disneyland, and I don’t want to go.

That probably sounds really bratty of me (because it is) but I simply can’t go- I have so much schoolwork to do. Spring break is notorious for not being a break at all, but rather a week of frenetic studying and stressing and maybe breakdowns.

*sobs*

I would like to complain a little, so I will.

AP tests, for one thing, are almost immediately after this break. Right now I’m taking AP Spanish and AP European history, and I haven’t studied for them at all. [AP tests are test that you take after taking an AP (Advanced Placement; “college level” course). Scores are from a scale of 1-5, with 3 as a passing score. If you pass, colleges may give you credit so that you don’t need to take the same class again in college] I’m sure that I’ll pass both of them, but my goal is to get at least a 4 on each, which will require some more studying. AHHHH 😂

And then my lovely AP Euro teacher decided to give us quizzes during our break. QUIZZES. Not even homework, but quizzes that we need to take on the exact day she posts them. I’ll be in a hotel room with my laptop answering questions about World War II.

There is also major research project due after break- I need to write up 20 pages and incorporate pictures, screenshots, and interviews. This break is also used to study for finals, which I won’t be able to do.

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I’ll just have to try to cram everything in, I guess. Everything will be fineeee (*two weeks later, at 2 AM* I’M NOT FINE)

I really am looking forward to going to Disneyland though- who doesn’t love Disneyland?! I haven’t been there in four years. Since then, I’ve acquired a love of roller coasters- I love that rush of adrenaline that you get while dropping weightlessly down the tracks; it makes me feel fearless. It’s really surprising given that I become horribly motion sick on airplanes and some buses or trains.

I’ll be dropping by Universal Studios and the San Diego Zoo as well. Universal studios=HARRY POTTER!! I am ecstatic to be going there- I want butterbeer! And exploding bonbons, and chocolate frogs…as you can see, it’s all about the food;) I won’t be able to leave without buying merchandise- as you may or may not know, I love Harry Potter.

At the zoo, I hope to go zip lining- so much fun!!

I don’t think anyone at school would expect me to be into thrill rides and things like this; I am a quiet, shy wallflower who blends in with the carpet. I probably wouldn’t have ever tried to go on a roller coaster if not for my best friend going with me on my first one.

Riding on thrill rides makes me feel like I’m someone I’m not, but in a good way. I know that this courage and fearlessness and strength revealed on these rides are always residing inside of me, and that makes me feel amazing.

So I’m going to pack up my stuff, as we’re leaving tomorrow in the morning. Exciting, but at the same time so stressful. I’ll need to pack my laptop for the quizzes, dammit.

I may post some drafts while I’m gone, but no guarantees;)

Well, that’s that! I know that this was a disorganized, all-over-the-place post, but that’s how my brain works after doing trigonometry problems;)

In total, I will be dragging my stressed and depressed little soul over to Disneyland, where I will have social anxiety as costumed actors call me “Princess” and try to be friendly.

Wow, I am definitely loads of fun. 😂

Bye! I’ll see you after vacation:) If you’re on break, I hope that you have a fantastic one, and if not, I hope that you have a great week!

Xoxo, C 😊

P.s. If anyone has any tips or anything to say about Disneyland, I would love to hear them:)

 

Blog, My Thoughts

My Blog and Me: The Troubled Couple

Lately, I’ve been a terrible blogger.

I’ve procrastinated on posts and struggled to stay on my schedule of Monday and Thursday, run out of interesting post ideas and motivation, and have kind of simply thrown things at you. Last-minute, half-baked ideas as well as sorry excuses for why my writing is virtual trash, complaints about how I’m running out of time.

You’re welcome.

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(kidding;)

Now that I look back at my blog posts, I think that I’m pretty proud of them. Of most of them, at least. But I don’t think that I have enough of the content that I would like to have.

Even if the posts look alright on the surface, there is one heck of an ugly framework supporting it invisibly. A lot of nights procrastinating and freaking out and typing frantically while math homework lies by ignored, a lot of internal anguish, stress and pressure with the upcoming deadline, even if it’s self-imposed.

Not to mention the fear of not being good enough or being judged that comes along with the darling social anxiety. The blue PUBLISH button is something to be fought and conquered before being pressed, after the internal debate and whispers in my mind that tell me what I’m writing isn’t good enough, people won’t like it, I’m complaining too much, I sound too happy, I sound too depressed.

I’m ashamed to say that, more than once, I’ve thought things too depressing to be published. Talks of depression would repulse visitors and drive away views.

My blog, obviously, is supposed to deal a lot with depression. I’m freaking “A Girl and Depression”. A girl with depression too afraid to speak of her depression? A girl who hides behind her smile, sometimes genuine and sometimes not, in both the real life and behind someone’s LED screen?

Originally, my blog was created to deal solely with my mental health. But I never wanted to be restricted to one topic, to always just talk about my depression and social anxiety.

Then I discovered some amazing personal blogs, and I think that’s something that I want to do. It’ll take some time, but I’ll see if I can transition into more personal blogging- telling you more about me, what I’m up to, my thoughts on things. That’s when my goal for this blog was changed, and I introduced my happy side.

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But nowadays, my happy side comes in flashes, and I want to talk about my bad days as well. The real dirty, dark and gritty depression and social anxiety, the type that makes “neurotically neutral” squirm, what some people try to avoid reading. And I’m ashamed that I want to shield that side. That I want to bury part of the truth that so many others need to hear.

And for that I am sorry.

Maybe I’m too hard on myself (I probably am). For one thing, I really like the majority of my posts! My blog probably doesn’t seem like a mound of dung, because it isn’t (which is disputable:p) but this is how I feel from the other end of the screen. Looking back at my posts, none of them are as bad as I felt they were. But it was simply the process that completely stressed me out, and quite frankly made blogging a terrifying chore.

Promises for myself:

  • I won’t procrastinate, for I’ll post when I want, which is normally more often than just twice a week.
  • I won’t keep anything deemed too gloomy or too dark from my blog if I want to talk about it.
  • I will write more about me, and what’s up in my life.
  • I don’t like the inflexibility of a fixed schedule, so I declare its sudden demise at this instant.
  • I will write whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want.
  • I’m going to make blogging fun for me again!

To be completely honest, I’m getting an extreme amount of self-doubt about this whole post right now; I am resisting the temptation to dive back in and edit this whole post ferociously, and perhaps to even delete it. So if you see this post, I probably just clicked that blue button with my eyes closed, desperately quickly before closing my laptop.

Well, that’s it for today. I have to admit that I have a chemistry test tomorrow that I’m not prepared for at all, and it is 11:00 PM, so I really must go.

I hope that you have a fantastic day, all of you! Smile lots and have fun:)

Xx, C ❤️

P.S. quick shout-out to the amazing Adventuring Girl for teaching me how to insert GIFs! Finally…I’ve been trying for so long and it’s never worked 😂thank you, Faith:)