Depression, My Thoughts, Social Anxiety

When There Are No Words

It is cloudy today.

In the morning, I had a short presentation, which I was quite nervous about. When I was called up, a moment of silence passed between the teacher calling out my number and me getting up; I was distracted by something, and this was a bit embarrassing for me, but as it turns out, that embarrassment was for little use. I did perfectly fine, and in the middle of talking, I was surprised by my flow of words. Granted, the presentation didn’t require much speaking, but I was proud of myself. I am proud of myself:)

It was set up to be a perfect day, but I suppose it wasn’t meant to be.

I was reading a post by Nat from Just a Nervous Girl, and I related to it very much, especially because that’s my mood right now, as it has been for the past couple of hours.

Without my depression and social anxiety, I don’t seem to be very much. I’ll say that in the most straightforward way possible- I know it’s not true, I know it. But that’s how I feel, and how I feel is how I know- or rather, at this moment, it takes precedence.

I’m obviously quite socially awkward, which makes me feel awful.

We came back from this spring break and headed immediately to school, and my poor social skills were again shunted front and center as I was forced to interact throughout my day. I very much wish that it were still spring break; maybe I could finish all of my endless homework and projects and study on time, maybe I could have an adequate amount of sleep, maybe I would have more time to relax and do what I actually want to do.

All this time trying to talk makes my energy sapped, especially when it’s cloudy outside. I starting to believe that the weather affects my mood a lot more than I think. I just don’t know what to say. And what I do say makes me feel stupid, as I force myself to make small talk that becomes noise lost in the chaos of people that actually do know what to say.

I wish I were normal, is what I’d actually say.

But what is normal? It’s been too long for me to actually know, to feel what normal feels like. It’s been years- eight years. Truth be told, there is no normal- there is just a life with mental disorders and a life without.

I’m tired of being always being the third wheel, for some people, the backup friend, the one who’s uninteresting, the one who ends up being quiet by myself because I don’t know what to say.

I wish I could discover myself under the bubble wrap and the tissue paper and the gloomy wraps of depression and fear from social anxiety. Because I feel warped right now, like an optical illusion, not enough to be one nor the other. I don’t know what’s inside, but what’s inside may have an escape route.

I don’t know what to say, but I do know what to write.

And I think that is enough.

C.

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14 thoughts on “When There Are No Words”

  1. Good on you doing well on your presentation first of all 😄
    School is weird for socialising, there’s an odd pressure around it. I had a small group of friends who I stuck with. One year, it was really weird that our group broke off and I was alone for a lot of it. I embraced it and spent most of my lunch reading on my own. The next year, I found some new friends through other friends and started spending time with them and we’re still friends now. Just remember school isn’t forever even though it currently feels like that. Writing is always a good outlet, I’m glad you’re able to express yourself here 😄
    That’s enough rambling from me now 🙂
    I hope you have a good day tomorrow 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good job on your presentation and im glad you feel proud of yourself because you should be. 😊 and even tho you dont say the words, you can always write it in your blog and your readers will sure do listen. 😊😊💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Awww girly please don’t beat yourself up over the way you are. I get how you feel-I really do. I’m typically that girl with her head in a book, someone who holds in a lot she really just wants to say, but doesn’t know how to express it or is afraid to. 😦 I hope you’ll be okay ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ohh lovely, I wish I could better understand what you’re going through. But I wanted to let you know that I will be here for you, reading your blog and listening to your thoughts and trying to help out in some way if i can. feel better. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well done with your presentation! (I actually did one today and it went welk and I survived.) This was interesting to read because I don’t know a lot of people with social anxiety or depression and I really want to understand how they feel and if/how I can help. I’m here for you if you want someone to talk to. ❤ xx Friederike

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yay!! Fantastic job on your presentation:) it means a lot to me that you’d like to help. I know that depression or social anxiety are things hard to understand, for me as well as you. Thank you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Step away from “normal”. Every one has their own definition of normal, don’t allow yourself to be categorized to fit into someone else definition of what normal is. You’re perfectly you! Flaws and all! Embrace all that you are and move forward at all times! Stay encouraged and just smile through everything 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Congratulations on your presentation! I really struggle with speaking in front of people too. I get super stressed at presentations, am usually terrified, and then afterwards people tell me how well it went. I think that is one of the hardest things about social anxiety- it is so internal. All of this fear and panic is going on inside of us while on the outside we appear relatively calm. People never seem to grasp that when I try to explain it – “oh, but you looked so calm and collected, how could you be nervous?” Again, well done in class!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, that definitely is one of the hardest parts if social anxiety! People don’t seem to understand all that’s going on through your kind at the moment. Thank you so much!

      Like

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