My Thoughts

Why Do We Do This Again?

Hello. It’s been a long while, hasn’t it been? I believe that the last time I wrote was a day or two before my birthday, which coincidentally was on the same day as my AP Spanish test. (Spoiler: It was absolutely awful, but I say that in a humorous way).

I feel quite foreign on WordPress now, and it will likely take a while for me to get used to discussing my personal life on the internet again. A lot of interesting things have happened, if you care to hear about them… I didn’t do as well as expected on my AP Spanish test, although I hope to at least pass with a three. The test took well over the estimated 2-3 hours, instead using up 5 hours of our time, during which we became hungry and dehydrated and very, very tired. The AP European History test was a breeze compared to the time it took to think in a foreign language. The Industrial Revolution, anyone?

I have learned how to use simple BBCode, which has resulted from my usage of Hogwarts Extreme (looong story), another thing that has happened. It is strange how different one can feel in a month, or perhaps that’s just because telling someone these things feels strange when you know that you are releasing your words into a global haze of uncertainty, alas, the great World Wide Web.

I find that I’m emphasizing that point a lot. Too much, would you say? I mean, all of us do it, and I would not want to insult any of you.

Anyways, it is now summer, and I have discovered a boredom that exists solely when school is not encroaching upon your daily schedule. Not that I miss school that much, but the days are certainly duller, and I hope to fill them up by attempting to write something amateur-esque. I have already found myself brainstorming new writing ideas, and I have found quite a few of them. I suppose that I have been suppressing my inner voice too long by not writing- my voice would have no other way out.

I promised long ago to release a series of travel posts; I am unsure if I will do that. In any case, I will likely go traveling again, hopefully to the ever-lovely Florida. But I do have ideas for slightly (and hopefully) interesting topics.

Do I sound too distant and sarcastic? Ah, here it comes, and I remember it well, the thing that creeps behind that flashing cursor on the screen- a barrage of self-criticism and self-doubt, a matter of who will enjoy your post or, more importantly, understand you and hear you through your post, what I assume to be widespread fears among bloggers and “real” writers alike.

Oh well. I don’t care very much at the moment.

But as blogging has, at times, made me feel more stressed, I’ve been wondering why I do this. Why do we all do it? We have different reasons for it. You could say it’s because you love to cook, so you want to share your recipes with the world. You’d like to relate to other people, to help other people with the same mental disorders as you. You want to make the world a bit brighter.

I think deeper down, however- it’s less of an “I’m doing this for everyone else” noble-type thing, but rather it’s something more self-serving.

We’re writing about our own lives, our own experiences, for our own benefit. We like to talk about ourselves, and our thoughts, and our opinions, because we like to do so, and in a real conversation, you can’t convey as much.

I don’t mean to say that you can’t have good reasons for blogging- there are many bloggers out there who have other people in mind. And I don’t mean to say that we’re all narcissistic, self-serving individuals.

All of us just want to share our voices with the world. We all want to be heard. Maybe we feel as if we aren’t being heard, as if our voices are lost in an abyss. Maybe we just want more people to hear us screaming our hearts out.We want to show our true selves, our true emotions- we want to be able to relate to people on a basic human-to-human level. There’s a subconscious that emerges out of a train of words on a white page, that no one could comprehend otherwise.

We want to share with other people our experiences, our opinions, our thoughts, because each of us believes and knows that what we have to say matters. We want to get a piece of ourselves out there, on the World Wide Web. We want to show others what’s underneath the surface, or we want to get approval for what we have to say. But at the core of it all,

We just want to be heard.

Can you hear me?

 

 

 

 

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Depression, Social Anxiety

To Tell You the Truth; Post-itivity

Today, I simply did not have the time nor the energy nor the will to create a Monday Motivation post. So I didn’t;) 

I’m just exhausted. From homework, from stress, from anxiety, from depression. 

I think I need a bit of a break. I’m not sure if posting on a schedule is helping me at all, so I may or may not post on Thursday. 

If you would like to see my past Post-itivity, here are the links:

Post-itivity created by A Girl and Depression

Post-itivity! Something a Little Different

Post-itivity! Sailing on the Sea of Life

POST-ITITIVY: Life- You’ll Die Anyway

POST-ITIVITY: Failure

Post-itivity #1: THE JOURNEY

I think that trying to spread motivation while you’re low is exhausting, and I won’t do that to myself for views or likes or anything. 

I also do not want to be a hypocrite or falsely positive when I am not; I am depressed so I AM DEPRESSED. 😂 

Well, I don’t know what the point of this was, but it made me feel better. 

But I do suppose that not everything needs to have a point; something that seems pointless could be meaningful in the best way.

If that was words of wisdom or a strange rambling sentence, I do not know 😂  

Anyways, I literally have 50 pages of notes to take on AP (college level) European history. World War I was absolutely pointless, yet we have to learn about it anyway. 

Good bye, until I see you again; 

XO c ❤

Social Anxiety

So I Tried Too Hard

Since I have social anxiety, I thought that it would be a *fantastic* idea to join the Model UN club at my school. MUN is a program in which simulations of actual United Nations conferences are conducted, and the whole point of it is to talk, giving speeches and cooperating with other “countries”, or students. So my helpful brain told me that it would help with my social anxiety and speaking skills.

As you probably can tell by now, it did not exactly work out.

During the whole conference, (which lasted three days and fifteen hours) I was absolutely miserable. I didn’t talk the whole time- I just nodded, smiled, and offered various affirmations for whatever my partner said. Throughout those horrible hours, a nauseous feeling in my stomach persisted in giving me extreme dread.  I was terrified that someone would talk to me, but I didn’t want anyone to ignore me and just talk to my partner, as they so often did. I stayed in my cushioned chair and scrolled through my phone, or admired the way other students talked so fluidly and with so much self-confidence. Boredom and a fierce headache from a lack of sleep (we arrived home at 11:00 PM) didn’t help.

Maybe the conference wouldn’t have been as boring to me if I’d talked but again, I have social anxiety. I was just about as ready to give a speech as a fish was ready to turn into lightbulb and fly.

Even an average person would be nervous in front of TWO HUNDRED immaculately dressed, intensely competitive, serious students.

But I didn’t talk when I could’ve, either- there were many times I could’ve tried to talk, when we weren’t giving actual speeches, but I couldn’t bring myself to get past the lump in my throat or the rock in my stomach.

Afterwards, guilt settled in, thanks to my perceived failures at the conference. It was, to sum it up, completely awful. My attempt to make myself “better” backfired, because my faults became all too clear to me.

Right now, I’m OK, though. “Happy” once again:) No, really actually genuinely happy, not just smiling. It’s funny (not so funny) how bouts of depression can just strike and disappear, like lightning, but am I glad that it vanished quickly.

And while feeling better about myself, I’ve come to an agreement with myself. No matter how boring, how awful I found this conference, I’m going to try again next year. I know that I overreached this year and expected too much for my first conference, so I’m going to give MUN a chance to work its miracles on me again. I’m sure that MUN, or activities like it, will help me learn how to talk.

My lesson learned: I’ll try hard, but not too hard- and don’t I won’t be too hard on myself when I fall. You can’t conquer a mountain in one day, and if you leap too high, don’t be surprised when you fall down hard.

xoxo, c.,❤

 

Social Anxiety

Social Anxiety vs Shyness: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Hi all!

I realize that social anxiety can be mistaken for or thought of as extreme shyness or introversion, which is completely wrong- it’s actually even possible for someone with social anxiety to be not shy or extroverted. I thought that I’d cover some of the main differences between the two, since they’re so often confused.

  1. Socially anxious people aren’t happy being quiet- Many introverts or shy people like being quiet; they choose to be quiet and are happy to be quiet. We aren’t. I want to talk, so badly, but it feels as if I CAN’T talk.
  2. Physical sensations- We experience physical sensations as a result of anxiety, which include a racing heartbeat (that I can hear in my ears and makes me feel like a reverberating drum), difficulty breathing, nausea, lightheadedness, and panic attacks. Just horrible in general.
  3. Self-Esteem- What is that? Think I can buy some? 😂 People with social anxiety often lack self-esteem. Shy people for the most part have intact self-esteem, as do introverts.
  4. Thoughts- When I talk to someone, I’m always thinking if I sound or look stupid or if they don’t like me or think I’m weird or blah blah blah. Shy people, on the other hand, are just scared of getting out there, and don’t have all these irrational thoughts. The socially anxious care a lot about how other people perceive them, shy people don’t as much. Or at least, they don’t have this constant flow of negative thoughts in their heads.
  5. Emotions – Chances are that the socially anxious have a hell of a lot more awful emotions than do shy people. Actually, that’s a fact. There is mental ANGUISH in being socially anxious. A shy person doesn’t come close to feeling this way; they’re perfectly “normal”.  There is a lot of fear and worry and stress in being socially anxious.
  6. Shy people often have a lot to say– Ever try talking to that one shy person and discovering that they have an amazing personality with their own unique views? I’ve found that a lot of shy people are so interesting and easy to have conversations with. I, on the other hand, find it hard to think of even small talk. Of course, I’m terrified that the other person will think my talking about the weather as shallow.

Well, that’s it. Social anxiety IS NOT being shy. Socially anxious people can actually be not shy- many actually want to talk to other people, but are held back by social anxiety. Another major thing with social anxiety is that people with it know that their thoughts are incredibly irrational and unproportional, but simply can’t help it. It’s very difficult having social anxiety, because everyday human life is structured around human interaction- speaking is something critical.

I hope that made things clearer:) this post is something that I’ve been meaning to write for a while. Social anxiety doesn’t get talked about as often as its cousin, depression. We need to talk about it! Talking about it will help eliminate the stigma around it and around so many other mental health issues as well.

I hope you have a fantastic day, all of you:) and if you have social anxiety like me, much love. Let’s all keep trying together!

❤, c.


p.s. I always just almost write my real name, then I have to stop myself😂


Image result for social anxiety and shyness

Image Credit: Beyond Anxiety and Depression

I can relate. 

Happiness

JOYOUS FOR THE COLD HARD TRUTH

Promise you it won’t be completely depressing!:)

[I don’t like writing completely depressing stuff about myself, except when I really need to. I don’t think reading about it would be fun either, haha!]

It started with a comment.

A nice, kind, wonderful comment.

This same comment made the spinning world jerk to a stop, filled my veins with a poison, and opened the hollow within my chest. Blood streaming through my skull, thoughts were churning; the barricade had fallen.

I thought that I’d tricked that person into making that comment. And I was an awful person for tricking them. My blog posts weren’t good enough to be liked, and I was so fake both in real life and even more so online, and I…

I couldn’t understand this force of DARKNESS unleashed by kindness.

Out of the crashing river in my brain emerged- You can’t trick someone into liking your post. I was confused why the blood was pounding through my head, why I felt like such trash – and then I realized.

I didn’t think I’d tricked the person into commenting. I thought my post wasn’t good enough. And I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t enough! And every day when I said I hated how I procrastinated, how I spent hours aimlessly on my phone, wasting my time, I didn’t hate any of that. I hated myself.

And that is when I became absolutely exhilarated.

LOL I know, I keep asking myself why. Bear with me-

I was exhilarated because I’d discovered the truth! I’d never known that I’d hated myself and thought I was insignificant and never enough; it was hiding all this time. And for me to find this out was utterly fantastic.

I’d found the truth, I’d found the enemy! and I knew what to fix now! Not an unexplainable, causeless, hormone-afflicted depression anymore. The problem was myself. My thoughts, which, now that I was aware of them, I could fix. You can’t fight a battle without knowing who- or what -the enemy is. 

Looking back, I had two choices: beat myself up for not knowing, or celebrating for discovering the truth. 

That day, and today, and every day, I choose happiness.

XOXO, c. ❤

p.s. I just had to get this out there; I am still genuinely unexplainably HAPPY about this and wanted to share MY HAPPY! Am I weird? Also, my next posts will be much more fun.

I’m just nutso, aren’t I. haha! i love it:)

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Image cred: Choose Happy Blogspot