Depression, My Thoughts, Social Anxiety

When There Are No Words

It is cloudy today.

In the morning, I had a short presentation, which I was quite nervous about. When I was called up, a moment of silence passed between the teacher calling out my number and me getting up; I was distracted by something, and this was a bit embarrassing for me, but as it turns out, that embarrassment was for little use. I did perfectly fine, and in the middle of talking, I was surprised by my flow of words. Granted, the presentation didn’t require much speaking, but I was proud of myself. I am proud of myself:)

It was set up to be a perfect day, but I suppose it wasn’t meant to be.

I was reading a post by Nat from Just a Nervous Girl, and I related to it very much, especially because that’s my mood right now, as it has been for the past couple of hours.

Without my depression and social anxiety, I don’t seem to be very much. I’ll say that in the most straightforward way possible- I know it’s not true, I know it. But that’s how I feel, and how I feel is how I know- or rather, at this moment, it takes precedence.

I’m obviously quite socially awkward, which makes me feel awful.

We came back from this spring break and headed immediately to school, and my poor social skills were again shunted front and center as I was forced to interact throughout my day. I very much wish that it were still spring break; maybe I could finish all of my endless homework and projects and study on time, maybe I could have an adequate amount of sleep, maybe I would have more time to relax and do what I actually want to do.

All this time trying to talk makes my energy sapped, especially when it’s cloudy outside. I starting to believe that the weather affects my mood a lot more than I think. I just don’t know what to say. And what I do say makes me feel stupid, as I force myself to make small talk that becomes noise lost in the chaos of people that actually do know what to say.

I wish I were normal, is what I’d actually say.

But what is normal? It’s been too long for me to actually know, to feel what normal feels like. It’s been years- eight years. Truth be told, there is no normal- there is just a life with mental disorders and a life without.

I’m tired of being always being the third wheel, for some people, the backup friend, the one who’s uninteresting, the one who ends up being quiet by myself because I don’t know what to say.

I wish I could discover myself under the bubble wrap and the tissue paper and the gloomy wraps of depression and fear from social anxiety. Because I feel warped right now, like an optical illusion, not enough to be one nor the other. I don’t know what’s inside, but what’s inside may have an escape route.

I don’t know what to say, but I do know what to write.

And I think that is enough.

C.

Depression, Social Anxiety

To Tell You the Truth; Post-itivity

Today, I simply did not have the time nor the energy nor the will to create a Monday Motivation post. So I didn’t;) 

I’m just exhausted. From homework, from stress, from anxiety, from depression. 

I think I need a bit of a break. I’m not sure if posting on a schedule is helping me at all, so I may or may not post on Thursday. 

If you would like to see my past Post-itivity, here are the links:

Post-itivity created by A Girl and Depression

Post-itivity! Something a Little Different

Post-itivity! Sailing on the Sea of Life

POST-ITITIVY: Life- You’ll Die Anyway

POST-ITIVITY: Failure

Post-itivity #1: THE JOURNEY

I think that trying to spread motivation while you’re low is exhausting, and I won’t do that to myself for views or likes or anything. 

I also do not want to be a hypocrite or falsely positive when I am not; I am depressed so I AM DEPRESSED. 😂 

Well, I don’t know what the point of this was, but it made me feel better. 

But I do suppose that not everything needs to have a point; something that seems pointless could be meaningful in the best way.

If that was words of wisdom or a strange rambling sentence, I do not know 😂  

Anyways, I literally have 50 pages of notes to take on AP (college level) European history. World War I was absolutely pointless, yet we have to learn about it anyway. 

Good bye, until I see you again; 

XO c ❤

Depression

Popping Like a Kernel 

Hi all! 

Lately, I’ve been consumed by my lack of time due to my a) schoolwork and b) sudden depressive upsurge. The sum of these to things means that while homework and quizzes and tests pile up over my head in a Mount Everest-esque way, I remain sitting at my desk, staring at my phone, pretending it doesn’t exist.

Closing my eyes and counting doesn’t seem to make all this work go away, though, wish as I might. The pressure of everything is building up in me. I feel like a popcorn kernal that’s just going to pop one day and be shoved into someone’s mouth. All of that time and energy spent on nothing. 

Stress! Stress! Stress!

I literally have no time for myself, let alone for my blog, which is very discouraging. I hate not having time to live life- the cycle of homework and studying and school feels so monotonous and grey that depression seeps back in to my life relatively easily.

So basically, this is my sorry excuse for why I haven’t been blogging regularly. I didn’t even have time to put up something motivational for Monday! And boy, do I really need that right now. I’ve always said to myself that I won’t apologize for anything on my blog, but I really do feel kind of guilty for leaving my blog stagnant like that. 

Sorry, not sorry 😁😂

Lots of love, c. ❤

I hope you have a fantastic day, whatever day you’re in. Believe it or not, you deserve it  

Depression

Feeling Empty

This week I’ve really been struggling to function. It feels as if the world has suddenly stopped spinning, but I’m still swirling aimlessly through life. 

I forget how strong depression’s grasp is, and how it has the ability to pull me into the darkness, to make light vanish. 

It’s not something that you can simply magic away with positivity and smiles. 

For what can you do when there is that dreadful feeling of emptiness? That horrible realization that you understand what could bring one to choke down a handful of pills is something unimaginably bleak. 

When you feel sad, there is something to fight. When you are empty, and life is empty, and becomes a cycle of work and chores, that is when there is nothing. 

I’m still determined to try, though.

I refuse to give in to this eternal cycle of misery. It will end, I know that for sure; depression has its own special way of blurring reality. We’ve just got to try and have faith that it will end.  

I’m going to break out of this cycle. Trying for me will start now, right now. I should go study for my big chemistry test tomorrow- I procrastinated again. 

bye, ❤c.

p.s. Writing how I feel always makes me feel so much better 😊 I feel slightly accomplished now. Sending good vibes your way! 

Depression, Happiness

Just Be Happy- IT DOESN’T WORK

Ever had someone tell you to just brave your fears and be happy?

Ha, ha, ha. If only it were that easy to overcome depression.

Perhaps it’s genuinely difficult for people without depression to understand how it works and what it does. That for me, with dysthymia, it lasts for seemingly forever, an infinite cycle of gloomy days. That some days sadness just comes out of nowhere.

Maybe people can’t relate to it because depression sometimes doesn’t have an obvious cause–the sadness is just there. But it is much more acute and debilitating (of course, for the most part) than sadness from, for example, a bad grade on a math test. This is because there is seemingly no way out of the sadness. If you don’t know where the sadness  comes from or why it comes, there is almost no way that you can defeat it on your own.

Some days are worse than usual. Social anxiety usually leads to this for me; the pressures of fitting in at school and the knowledge that communication is arguably the most important thing to anyone causes me great pain. But I can’t help the rapid bursts from my heart that erupt when I am called on to participate, nor can I prevent a squeaky imitation of my voice from leaving my mouth.

Yet people tell me, and undoubtedly many others suffering with mental illness, simply to be happy. Cheer up, think positively, exercise, eat well, and you will be okay, they say. What is there to be sad about? The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and life is there to explore.

But what if one has lost all interest in life? These kinds of “helpful” comments offered in sympathy or pity don’t help in any way. I feel guilty that the sun is shining, birds are chirping, and the world is buzzing when I feel as if I’m in a monotonous cycle of work and sadness.

So please, if someone has mental illness, don’t tell them to be happy. It may only make things worse.

A person like me just needs a helping hand, or a hug once in a while. No pity, please; just empathy and compassion. Those will serve far better.

What is more important, though, is that all of us with mental illness need to band together and support each other. We need to help others out of the ruts that we share, to let each other know that none of us are alone.

And maybe someday, we will climb upon each other’s shoulders and out into the world.

XOXO, c.