Promise you it won’t be completely depressing!:)
[I don’t like writing completely depressing stuff about myself, except when I really need to. I don’t think reading about it would be fun either, haha!]
It started with a comment.
A nice, kind, wonderful comment.
This same comment made the spinning world jerk to a stop, filled my veins with a poison, and opened the hollow within my chest. Blood streaming through my skull, thoughts were churning; the barricade had fallen.
I thought that I’d tricked that person into making that comment. And I was an awful person for tricking them. My blog posts weren’t good enough to be liked, and I was so fake both in real life and even more so online, and I…
I couldn’t understand this force of DARKNESS unleashed by kindness.
Out of the crashing river in my brain emerged- You can’t trick someone into liking your post. I was confused why the blood was pounding through my head, why I felt like such trash – and then I realized.
I didn’t think I’d tricked the person into commenting. I thought my post wasn’t good enough. And I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t enough! And every day when I said I hated how I procrastinated, how I spent hours aimlessly on my phone, wasting my time, I didn’t hate any of that. I hated myself.
And that is when I became absolutely exhilarated.
LOL I know, I keep asking myself why. Bear with me-
I was exhilarated because I’d discovered the truth! I’d never known that I’d hated myself and thought I was insignificant and never enough; it was hiding all this time. And for me to find this out was utterly fantastic.
I’d found the truth, I’d found the enemy! and I knew what to fix now! Not an unexplainable, causeless, hormone-afflicted depression anymore. The problem was myself. My thoughts, which, now that I was aware of them, I could fix. You can’t fight a battle without knowing who- or what -the enemy is.
Looking back, I had two choices: beat myself up for not knowing, or celebrating for discovering the truth.
That day, and today, and every day, I choose happiness.
XOXO, c. ❤
p.s. I just had to get this out there; I am still genuinely unexplainably HAPPY about this and wanted to share MY HAPPY! Am I weird? Also, my next posts will be much more fun.
I’m just nutso, aren’t I. haha! i love it:)
Image cred: Choose Happy Blogspot